blacktooth

[insert witty title here]

2007-03-17T01:11:00.000-05:00

secrets.

at 1:11am each night, i make wishes.

my choice to read and/or not read a book is baised soley on the fact that
i read the last page first.

duct tape.

i have no real justification for enjoying starbucks coffee. it is strong and good coffee. the rest is details for monkeys. coffee coffee coffee. strong. good. coffee.

until the age of 24 i wanted to be a rock star 'when i grow up'. then i met one.

smoking weed makes me feel horrible. so i do not partake.

i hate the lifetime channel, television for women. but i realy liked watching star jones on the voice before she pulled a michael jackson. speaking of michael,

i cannot remember a persons name if it is michael or david. swear.

most days i waste, thinking, brooding, juggling, and missing my friends who have left.

on the porch, smoking, conversations with god. we argue. she likes me.

people person in denial.

the songs played on live radio stations obey my chosen internal playlist.

powdered creamer. like at recovery meetings.

nipple rings.

i use ebay to buy and sell things.

remember fondly, my time working the drive through at 15 at Taco Bell.

love goodbyes. they are preperation. for the big ones.

whenever a bell rings, an angel gets another shot of JD and vomits: we call it snow.

school is for automotons... suckers.

triage.

all my respect and admiration goes out to Hospice Workers. ALL OF IT.

the big one: i love bon jovi. now you know.

-christopher

holy diver

2006-07-22T04:28:00.000-05:00

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haiku for mu

2006-07-21T03:57:00.000-05:00

Listen up people /
The takover begins NOW /
I got new teeth!

If any ladies /
would like some head,
nows is the /
time and mums the word. ;)

Chasing you through mud. /
My new fangs, evincible /
moonlight kiss and bite.

July Update - someone shoot me

2006-07-15T13:25:00.000-05:00

someone shoot me cause this feels great.
lot of crazyness goin down... this is me me me stuff so you were warned.
this month is turning out so cool! this is my best July ever!

-My sister is 4 months pregnant again!
-She is also now married to her batterer/abuser. Yay. (Sarcasm here)

now for actual good stuff.

-A beautiful kitten is moving in with me...
-To our new apartment! :) :) :P :P :) :)

This is sortof unreal still in my mind but...
-i made a sweet deal with a debt collection agency and will have my student loans out of default and my transcript unfrozen soon and will be returning to college! (must be in school to unfreeze loans -> must pay loans to unfreeze transript -> must have transcript to go to school -> must be in school to unfreeze loans... you see the pattern? its a parodox!). This is such awesome news, totally unexpected, just fucking great, wow.

-as previously mentioned, due to my insurance company stepping up like they had a pair, most of my dental surgury this month will be covered and people everywhere will hurt their backs bending over to kiss my ass, yay! :P

-the great pink curse is running great. it needs 450 450 320 $$$ in repairs and i will not be getting them, muahahaha, im gonna drive it till it drops dead and then fill it with cement and fuckin leave it there as a monument to how much i love the color pink, biatches.

-Patrick is going to college... this is a Hell of an acomplishment for him.

-Cassie hooked me up with online space to hold all my millions of new photos. AND we get to go to her wedding soon, so cool. and to Coreys wedding. You should all come along. Thanks :)

-Joes on tour playin music and keeping the damn scene on its toes, finally.

-and, i have a large cold Guiness.

thats it. maybe its not much but I think it is.
as though my whole world just shifted out of the red.
this is so good, im just trying to say Im fucking happy and
thanks to everyone whos helped me through shit.
when the movie and record and book deals come rollin in,
i wont forget who you are ~~~~:! peasout.

-christopher

crystal meth and me

2006-07-14T05:29:00.000-05:00

Ignore my earlier post :) this is more acurately how Im feeling now: I Love yall. Realy good new graced my life today, though it was chaotic, it was welcome.

All this month and next month I am having major reconstructive dental surgury. Insurance, however much a scam it may be, has decided to cover me, Yay! Fillings, Caps, Root Canals, Complete Extractions, stuff like that. The first session was this afternoon, it was a pre-op setup thing. we discussed different options and they explained all the various procedures, the order we will do them in, how long they would take and how much they would hurt. and how much they would cost, oi. oh, and 15 people stuck 45 fingers in my mouth all at once, like a latex gloved finger bukaki.

I am somewhat over-emotional about all of this right now, I keep crying at random times out of nowhere, all day, La La drivin, BOOM! crying uncontrollably. La La walking to friends house, BANG! crying like a baby down the sidewalk. Its sort of strange. It happened while I was typing this entry too.

Im just so happy, Im happy and releived that they can help me, that this reduculous curse can be done away with. Also, I am hopeful that one day soon I will be able to smile without being reminded of how different, poor, and ashamed I am.

How strange it is, to feel so great about life and everything around me, yet to be looked at by most of the people I meet as though I was a fucking monster. people suck, you know? They bitch and complain about everything and everyone and how they are treated and they play the fucking victim CONSTANTLY, to avoid actually doing something that requires effort, change and accountability - then they turn around and treat another person like a piece of god damned road kill that makes them want to vomit. Like they deserve special treatment and all the people they step on deserve their feelings hurt. Like Insult and Condemnation are the appropriate punishments for being alive. You know what, fuck people.

If you see me, dont trust a damn word I say, Im so totally over-emotional right now. Its not even explainable. Imagine living everyday, everyday of your life in fear, shame and disgust, and no matter how hard you work to be balanced and confident, seeking your own happiness and place in the world, you are completely outcast among the very people who popualte that world. That the reality is that you have no teeth and your mouth is a jagged gapping hole of putrid filth in the middle of your face. That nothing you say or do, no matter how honest, sincere, or funny, will earn you the respect of most the people you meet, sometimes not ever your peers, because Americans are judgmental insensitive pricks obsesed with making everyone of their own feel insecure for not being a skinny tanned teenaged bimbo with perfect teeth and skin. Dudes, fuck americans. Yea, theres the whole 'dont give a damn what people think' thing, but Im old enough to know the differance between doing what I want to do while looking this way, regardless of what people think, and doing what I am pushed into doing by being treated like a fucking disease by most the people I meet because I look different and wrong to them. Fuck that.

My friends make a good case: most people suck, and I whole heartadly agree. There was a time I thought that deep down people were all kind and loving and friendly, thankfully a selfish little girl taught me otherwise. People are fools and jerks and morons and I do not realy care what they say, think, or how they look at me. But if theyre gonna treat me like an inferior then it will be because I have OFFENDED THEIR CLOSE MINDED SICK ISOLATED MATERIALISTIC SELF SERVING PARADIGMS. Not because God kicked in my face instead of theirs and they get to sit on a pedastal smiling at me with pearly whites.

Still, Makes it hard to meet people when your grill is a skatepark, ya know? Oi.

anyway, its over. The treatment plan was limited by my BULLSHIT SCAM SCAM SCAM insurance agency who wouldnt pay for anything, but I had a secret weapon ready: TAX REFUNDS! so instead of taking out all of my teeth and gumming my food to death and popping dentures in and out the rest of my days, or getting metal brackes installed with screw on replacments, they are going to fix most of my teeth and only 2 or 3 need removed.

In truth, I am exstatic. It did suck that they kept asking me about Crystal Meth. for the record, I do not 'do meth' nor do I intend to ever 'do meth'. You cant get pep like I got artificially bitches, its all natural baby. ALL NATURAL. AND IT AINT FOR FUCKING SALE!

of course, so are my broken chipping pocket black teeth so what can ya do? natural i mean. The dentists have NO idea what is causing my decay yet. They keep saying 'soda and crystal meth.' I dont drink soda and I dont do meth. So I told them that and they pretty much laughed at me. Maybe its built up hatred for stupid immature people who treat the world like their toilet and kind loving people like they are puppets and playthings. Maybe the bitterness in my heart is eating the enamal on my teeth. MY disgust for lazy human falts is cracking my teeth and making them disgusting. Or its the crystal meth. :)

As if its not embarrasing enough to say, hey check out my rotton teeth, arent they gruesome? im a freak of nature, in caveman days I would be dead because something is wrong with me and I have weak bones and a calcium deficiancy. Yea, i love being here and tlaking about this and its just so great when you touch my broken teeth with your rubber gloves and talk about me in the third person!

Yea, while youre at it, why DONT YOU INSULT ME TOO!!! call me a junkie and a tweaker and a lier, come on. I like it. I get off on it. now, Hit me and tell me to do the dishes. Oi.

Ok, Im upset about that part. Punk ass doctor muther fucker. I bet hes on meth. Anyways...

So something important is happening in my life and I am very happy about it. Its not a huge thing like a wedding, (shoutouts to Corey nd Cassie who are having their weddings this month :) but it is huge to me. You can all look forward to kissing my ear to ear smiling ass from now on cause Im gonna laugh and smile all I want to and there nothing anyone can do to fucking stop me. Except maybe punch me. In the mouth. So... please dont do that. Forget the whole 'ass kissing' part. Thats them, not you. Im so happy!

There I go with the crying again. Oi man, this realy is a lot to think about. It is scairy and exciting all at once, but I am sure it will be lots and lots of fun. BYOB peeps. peace.

YPSIROCKS!

2006-07-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

man. let me share something with you. or not, i dont care. youre a cool enough guy, i will whether you want me to or not. this is a formal goodbye to ann arbor.

dear ann,

fuck you and the horse you fucked to get here. your soul is money. your cells are cancer. i hate you and all you represent. go die. love, christopher.

why did you leave town man? come! come to beautiful Historic Ypsilanti, move to Ypsi and suck the blood out of a2 yuppies, taking the number 4 and 5 buses, working in that shit tree town hell making sweet sweet loads of moolah and sleeping in scum holes in the Dirty-Y and getting drunk in the middle of cross street by the dick. Kick bums! steal books! cheap coffee shops and cheap male whores! bikes! trees! Ypsi is more ann arber than ann arbor is. good weed. good beer. well, ok beer. but beer all the same! CHeap beer, ha, ha!

nothing aimed at you, but I love Ypsi, fuck A2. Ann Arbor is a poser douch town and it aint shit for shit, you know. fuck elitist snobs and elitist punks and entitled college kids and entitled townies, rich ass buisness owners and dirt poor employees. fuck people who judge you because you have a piercing, or because you dont have enough of them. Ypsi is REAL and you can make real friends here. not these PREPACKAGED fucking losers who call themselves the scene.

fuck, im bitter and old and jaded, but I mean this with every ounce of spite and joy i have left flowing my varicose vein rivers. a song lyric from Against Me! came true, one too many fucking times, one, shit, WAY too many fucking times, everytime i walk around that god forsaken town! I will never live there again, i will touch no one tainted by its vileness. i will burn everything i can to the ground, fuck, fuck, fuck this fucking town.

"Even though the half of you won't even smile
The next time we pass on the street!"

dig: in aa they treat each other like a plague! you need to chill in Ypsi a while, where people treat each other like human beings. you wander the streets at night and other people are around. the shit people talk about this place, its just that, guns, yea, so. 2 years here, no ones given me so much as a dirty look. everyone ive met here is kind to me, except adam but weve got history. People give each other the time of day here. you creat your environment. ppl here, they WORK for a fucking living instead of BITCHING for it.

and you go to wander ann arbor after a while of Ypsi, its like goin to the MALL man. little kids everywhere, only they used to look like growups to you. you see em for what they are and always were, pussies. Like, a fair or a carnaval, its a joke. Ann Arbor is now a complete joke played on itself. Art Fair, dude fuck art fair. Burn art fair. Burn the hash bash. We smoke more in 1 hour in ypsi than all the fools at the hash bash all day. kids getting arrested cause no one is kind enough TO TELL THEM THEY CANT SMOKE ON CAMPUS. fuck, you assholes. ive watched, kids come from out of town, light up, go to jail. they dont know why. Its our fault because no one warns them. go ahead. tell me im wrong. make excuses for your own inactions. counter debate till your blue in the face you fucking yuppie whores. its true because it happenes, your excuses dont change that. talk talk talk. all talk. legalize pot, you cant even put out benches for people to sit on cause you gotta keep the disposable incomes moving in and out of your money making areas. fuck you. build public benches then talk about legalizing pot, morons.

or how about, getting towed because some cunt thinks your too close to her driveway? and you STILL gotta walk to the cop shop and then down past the gandy to pay 140 or walk down to the end of plymouth or over to brewers to find your fucking car. how about the 1 dive bar everyone goes too cause theyre all fucking tired and its turned into an unbreakable habit? everything there is a last resort. seething anger, oh warm my bones this winter and give me the strength to spit poison on these twisted arborites.

how about the railroad tracks I never see anyone else on? The empty street corners I never see yall playin music on? The music stores close, more coffee shops open up. We need more coffee shops, we do. How about being late to work cause you couldnt find a parking spot? how about the few punks who try hard to get shit together end up gettin burned out and sad inside? how about being NICE TO A PERSON for a FUCKING CHANGE? how about nevermind. fuck this.

I know the morning squirrels in the Diag by name. All of them. Fuck you.

how about why I dont even live here and Im the only fucking person walking around here at 4 am on my lunch breaks? even the beggars and bums have gone to sleep. where the fuck are the people in this city? everyone is a god damned flake.

fucking Ann Arbor,.worst slut I ever fucked.

Listen man, I think youll do good where ever you go. Im just sayin, we got a good thing over here, thats all. Haliit has the D'eagle. We got a bus station with a BW3 and a Strip Club all on one block. We got black people, wow imagine that. real life black people. who aint all rich ass college students. not urbz from other countries, theyre from michigan. who dont all work at McDonalds and guess what else? theyre not all crack heads. theyre people. fuck white ass fake wannabee ann arbor, did I say that already? racist sexist metrosexual bigot classist fucks, they can all die.

to the people of ann arbor:

fuck you bitches, fuck you and your tilted noses and hot topic MallRat garb. and fuck you all for running the only real people i respected and admired out of town and ruining everything goo dand holy I loved about this place. fuck you for not supporting each other and you know if this never got said its a damn shame, fuck all of you for not standing up and fighting when the perfnet got jacked. fuck whoever stole my playboy hat. fuck all the jerk offs from the picket line who screamed and yelled but never thought about fucking calmly explaining to me what was going on. FUCK THE PROTESTERS WHO DRIVE THEIR FUCKING SUVS TO THE PROTEST and fuck everyone who goes the the YMCA, fuck them in their homophobic boy cunts with beautiful crisp ann arbor pine trees.

One Day We will burn down this sick fucking city down. this thing I have to walk through every night despising. This, mockery of a once wonderful city. We will burn down these banks and bars and tanning salons and build a FEW MORE FUKCING SHELTERS SO I DONT HAVE TO KICK PEOPLE OUT IN THE WINTER SO YOU CAN HAVE ROOM FOR ANOTHER GOD DAMNE DSTARBUCKS!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM!

then maybe Sanchez's fucking nature walks could mean something, could be appreciated without smoke and noise and junkies and hummers and upper middle class assholes everywhere. fuck all these pussies, Im off to smoke alone on the streets of Yuppie Poser Hell at 4 in the god fucked morning. Ignore me, Im angry, and Im out. Peace.
-c

a thousand words.

2006-07-09T06:11:00.000-05:00

Fuck Flickr and their 'bandwidth' BS.
Now Ive got Facebooks, so there :PPPP.

I have many more pictures and will keep scanning and uploading, scanning and uploading. Time to get a digital camera :) peace everyone.

-christopher

pictures - my father

2006-07-07T06:23:00.000-05:00

march 9, 1980
ron and christopher
3 weeks old.
(click picture to enlarge)

when i was 6 years old i saw my father for the last time.

recently this picture was found, and others like it. so for the first time in more than 20 fucking years, i know what my dad looks like.

i wonder what he does now, is he honest? damn, i need to sleep, peace yall, love and all that jive.

pictures - utah

2006-07-07T06:22:00.000-05:00

Pictures from Utah!

visiting Steve, Brandon,
and the children.

I Love You Guys :)

'climbing' a 'mountain' :)

steve pissing

Q: Mosquito is to Michigan
as ________ is to Utah?
A: cockroach!

B-Dog grinds out a Mad Ass Rock Opera from Jupiter!

im so hot.- you may have seen this picture before, so again i say unto you, bask in the fine glow that is, me.

there are many more pictures, it just takes time to scan them in and to upload them, ha

more later this week, peace!

-c

pictures - patrick

2006-07-07T06:21:00.000-05:00

my brother Patrick just graduated from H.S.! these are his senior pictures with his girlfriend at the time, Katie.	patricks senior picture	patrick and katie
on the beach?	katies senior pic	patricko suave'
patrick in a sweater! ooo!	i love my little brother, just not his sweater	patrick on halloween, scairy!

like rotten grains of sand

2006-07-03T04:05:00.000-05:00

there are some things in this world that are so aweful,
that the disgusting letters and words they form are
nothing compared to the sick and frightening reality
they fail to represent.

i have seen people die. close friends have blown their brains
out with guns, or jumped off buildings. ive seen babies
with tragic diseases and ive seen grown men with the minds
of children, warped and torn to shit by murder, war, trauma,
drug abuse and mental illness.

nothing have i found yet that instills more terror in me
than swallowing broken pieces of my own fucking teeth.

sanitize this.

2006-06-30T01:35:00.000-05:00

there was an entire subject i was going to to lecture on today... instead, this. please pardon my french.

sitting in the 4th floor smoke room at the shelter, enjoying the solitude of the graveyard shift, i see a box of 'womens magazines'. normally i would not peruse such a box, however, last nights glorious kareoke experiance at the new bar on cross street has me feeling, frisky. so i grab a random 300 pound copy of... ELLE.

let me now list some of the many things i am 'allergic' to. please keep in mind that i am not a hypochondriac, i do not bitch and moan about chemicals and ingrediants and shit like that. it is not something i spend much time thinking about or energy explaining to people. simply put, i have adapted my lifestyle without causeing a scene or even raising eybrows or attention. now, the list.

1) pennecillian. amoxocillain. all branches and families thereof:
cause my skin to turn red-lipstick red, harden, flake, and peel off, leaving muscle and other various inard tissues exposed and screaming in pain. my skin, falls off. this includes most molds, especially bread and cheese molds, their spores, and if i eat them i have no doubt i will quickly perish in some painful way.

2) chlorine. all chlorinated pools, hot tubs, saunas, and some overly cleansed drinking water. red bumps appear minutes arfter contact, the break and bleed and take months to heal. they burn, burn, burn, like they did to the anarchists... i do NOT go swimming at hotels any longer.

3) powder laundry detergent. all brands, all kinds, even scent free or 'free and clear' styles. even with multiple rinses, same effect as hotel pools and hot tubs. plus, it burns when i pee if i wash my undershorts with powder detergent. BURNS.

4) as experianced on my recent vactaion to Utah, when my arms and neck and face broke out in dark red itchy goose bumps for 7 to 12 days and kept me awake at night, sunscreen lotion, insect repellant, combination sunscreen lotion/insect repellant, and 'suntan' lotions. all of them, even hypo-allergetic ones.

5) aloe vera. all plants, all hygene/health products, all variations of. it burns my skin almost on contact, at best within minutes. even if i catch on and wash it off promptly, it still burns and cracks my poor baby flesh. here, here, fucking fuck aloe vera.

6) most scented soaps, shampooes, contioners, body lotions, facial cleansers, anti-perspirants, deoderants, hair sprays, hair products, and soap-type shaving creams. some are ok, most give me rashes. i have not used deoderant on a regular basis in 10 years because of it, on hot days or during hard work or physically engauging events, it becomes quite a problem. i wear an extra shirt to absorb sweat. i lie and say i have a gland problem. mostly, i avoid hard work and hot days, or just people in general. my dog, bless her heart, does not mind or comment that i too, smell like a pig. oink oink.

7) found this out thanks to Potog and Rosemary, Axe Body Spray. Potog had a bottle of it sitting around his old room, Rose has mentioned she enjoyed the scent of it. So I put some on and regretted it for days, itchy, scratchy, i-want-to-die-now days of trying not to scratch the rashes, sweating profusly in turmoil, therby causeing the rashes to itch even more. Fuck Axe Body Spray. Dirty boys get clean, Christopher just gets huge mother fucking Hives that Wont Go Away (tm).

8) most colongnes, perfumes, heavily scented liquid laundry soap, and yes, scented dryer sheets. No comment, DAVE. :P

9) ELLE magazine.

Yes, I kid you not, within 40 seconds of picking up an old copy of ELLE magazine and flipping mindlessly through the aromatic pages, (btw, those 'people' are skinnier than i am by far and that means they are terribly anorexic and will all die from emaciation any moment now, and i am happy for that), my fingers turned scarlet and bumps began forming in the spaces between them, angered at the sick manifestations of what we now call beauty, these bone dry whores and metro sexual debutaunts, their mundane trends and ever changing fashions, every picture and every page coated in a layer of fake flowery perfumes that smell like the shit of ladybugs and the piss of lilac bushes. fuck americans.

i rushed to the sink and used the standard blue liquid hand soap to wash the affected areas, thank goddess, stopping the rashes from spreading further, and threw the evil excuse for disposable media into the trash as if it were a plague, and i beleive it is just that.

oi! here i sit, content and thankfull for such wonderful blue hand soap, sexless and scentless, oozing and gelatinus and ingrediant free. praise to the amazing cosmos for blue hand soap and all other products containing more ALCOHOL than they contain perfumes and other modern convienant contaminants we people use to hide our natural animal odors.

try using good old alcohol and real fucking soap you petty, commercialized, freaks. one day i hope something will sanitize you all in a warm bath of wake-the-fuck-up and smell-the-god-damned-monkeys.

the scented shall sceam and die in pains unmentionable, only the pure shall inherit the earth, for we wash unabashed in the glow and glory of fat girls and whiskey. to hell with ELLE, and fuck aloe vera.

i want to ride my bicycle! bicycle!

2006-06-25T05:53:00.000-05:00

took the volvo in for an inspection. they said i need $450 in brake work and $400 more in ball joint work. they charged me $50 to tell me this. maybe for some people thats just the way it is: sometimes you have to paye 900 dollars to fix your car. its not that simple for me, specifically because i have all of $36 in my savings account at the moment and happen to already be thousands in debt. viva la vi boheme.

once agian i will not be able to buy food or drink etc et al for about 12 days, and thats without getting the car fixed. yes, i am that bad with financial planning. seems more and more like having a car is keeping me from saving money, from going to college, and from eating on a daily basis. can you say... i need a sugar momma?

rent is payed though, and i am breathing. so i cannot complain, life is really good right now, even if its a hell of a struggle. money, gawd, i hate talking about money, its so trite and worthless and absurd. but its also important because it opens better opportunities... you know, fuck the man. i will endure. like christinas story about squirrels and nuts and perseverance in the cold michigan winter :)

buying a god damned bicycle would be a good start. peasout.

the debt of the dead

2006-06-17T05:20:00.000-05:00

just got back from Utah... lots to type this week,
i have SO MANY PICTURES!!!!

as prophetized, they do not resemble reality in even a remote way.
the true nature of what we see and feel, is lost in photograph,
a moment out of time, minimized and trivialized,
the glory of the mountain heights reduced to postcard scenery -
the energy and joy of children caught in still frames and
robbed of all life.

like everything is long dead and gone.
---

that story i meant to tell about my mom,
it still needs told. not to mention I have a shoebox of pictures that 2 years ago would have made me kill myself in a heartbeat... but now... they just make me feel really sad. all photos are of the dead.

peace.

June, part 2

2006-06-04T16:01:00.000-05:00

the car sucked up most of my disposable money, it has for months and i am so used to being broke a lot. its ok though, because it is pink.

Patricks graduation was realy nice, I was very proud of him for actually graduating. Turned out he almost killed some friends and himself in a car crash last week while joyriding. I met the young girl, graduating too, whos shoulder had to be replaced... it made me feel sick inside that he would do such a thing. i want to be angry and look down on him and yell at him... but i love him, i dont want to judge others for their mistakes, but for their choice to learn from them.

Joyride alone! i think to myself... but no. They all chose to be there, we make our own reality and they are making theirs and dealing with it.
---

Midnights at the shelter are great. I remember why I used to love working here. Soon enough I will have my $4000 saved up to pay off my student loans and go back to college, soon enough, and after that I want to switch to part time or maybe work somewhere else. Been thinking lately... Ambulance driver, Red Cross something or other, Peace Core, or maybe Amtrak Snack Cart Guy. either way, working on the books again, so YAY!!!
---

going on vacation in a few days, to Utah. realy pumped about it, but still sort of recovering from the whole me and heather and rose thing. somehow, i doubt it affected them remotly as much as it did me. its different when you are the righteous jerk pushing people away to keep yourself and your comfortable complacent life and friends safe from change. different than being the dorky newcomer-changer who falls for all of them and wants their approval and attention. they get to feel good about it, i just feel used. so all in all, i think thats better. i wouldnt want anyone to feel like i do right now, not if it could be avoided, because its like a bloody nose, it just hurts in this dull area-wide way behind the bones. makes you think youre going to cry, but you dont because theres no good reason to. you just feel ick.

you know, one thing about all this is that it reminded me why i had girlfriends for so many years. i realy like women. i mean, i LOVE women. they smell nice, they talk nice, the expent a STANDARD of behavior and acountability. I like that. I like feeling (if only slightly) repected and wanted. I like learning about a womans past, family, things she likes and hates. I like talking to friends about her and her about them. aybe its just a high or something, but i am genuinly interested and serious about forming romantic relationships. this one didnt work at all, lots of reasons. thats no reason to give up on all of them i guess. not like i want to jump right back into the same mess, but why waste time playing video games or juggling when you could be dancing or walking or making out? lots of fish (and chips) in the sea, thats all im saying. lol. real question is, whats my name bitch?
---

some friends and i have been going bowling on wednesdays. its lots of fun. i think its clicking with them that we all need to do more things together. ypsi has a way of isolating people in their home, its weird. but everyone was responsive in a good way about bowling, its been like the coolest thing in years for me.

speaking of, i had this day with my mother. i want to write about it, but it will take time. shortest possible version is this: i know shes fucked up a lot, and i have too, but i really love my mom. peaceout.

June Cleaver

2006-06-01T03:02:00.000-05:00

rant

being someone with a violent history, such that it is often difficult to discuss it with people i know without freaking the holy shit out of them, i have to be very careful in my thinking and actions, to always remain accountable and vigilant, lest i start behaving in self serving and abusive ways again. never, never again, i will never go back to living like that, better to die, you know? so i set up failsafes. orange red and black flags that keep me focused and on the right paths of nonviolence and better choices.

that being said, many things have happened this month that sent all my orange and red flags flying, and even a few black ones at half mast.

Rosemary stopped seeing me. i dont have much to say about it here. i want to pretend that i dont give a fuck but thats because i want to stop feeling like shit about it. if you get me drunk enough id probably go on and on for hours, but basically, it just happened and i think someone else picked the part i would play and i simply filled in a preconcieved role with a predictable script. on the-glass-is-half-full side, it was a good test of many things for both she and i, and however scorned i feel now, i know that i learned a lot. after 3 years or whatever of being strickly celibate, she was a more than welcome surprise, a good and needed change. i will miss her.
---

heather used tons of stupid little things i did wrong (yellow flags :) to justify ending our friendship instead of reconciling it. leading up to and just after the Rose and i 'split' or whatever. i have my own ideas about what had been building up and happening and what the real root of the issues with heather were, and where they were hiding. in truth, its heathers life, heathers problem, and its none of your business so i will end my tiny explanation at that. i do not pride myself on my ability to shit on people who are like me, who have problems and drama and issues they work hard on. of course, sometimes you just gotta say, hey buddy, FUCK YOU TOO.

ive tried hard to see things from their point of view, i have. when it gets clear, i get scaired, freaked out, like thier view is too alien to me. i dont like the way it feels, its final, defining, its closed and vapid. they are good people, i know this, but the things that upset them are so differnet then what upsets me, and the things they base decisions on are so foreighn to me... its like our value systems are the same but our aproach to implementing those systems is 100% fucking opposing. i dont know, its a difference of great import, great amifications.

we must connect, with everyone, regardless of opinion, dissatisfaction, or personal disire. no matter what we think or feel, we are here for each other, we must remain with heart and this above all else matters. if they want to disconnect, from anyone who doesnt fit their perfect plans, then they will try, and they will fail and one day will learn and grow or die. their loss.
---

it was all getting realy weird because on dans birthday, rose and i had been not seeing each other, (or depending how you look at it- she had been avoiding me again and freaking out when i said that she was avoiding me, again, even though it was obvious to everyone else in the rational world that we were no longer seeing each other and nothing i did seemed to change or make that better) and i was way too weirded out to go to dans birthday party. ive been 'that guy' before, and dont ever intend to let some chick stick me as the bad guy boyfriend hanging with her unaprooving friends, ever again. especially since i work hard to do and to be this fucking real and unabusive. especially with heather all weird. i felt like she was plotting against me, i didnt know what to do with an idea like that. it just made me sad. and shit, anyway,

so i had gifts for Dan but couldnt go give them to him. btw, dan was really cool. ill miss hanging out with him. so theres these stupid gifts, and each day they get more embarassing just having in my room. i dont even want to look at them. and from heathers attitude(s) i just know deep down that im never gonna see him again. not on good terms at least. so i tell her about the gifts, in that way, you know?

in that 'so, ummm, (im not gonna come out and say that i know what youre fucking doing here but i do and...) i have these gifts for your boyfriend and (since ill probably never see him agian because youre going to turn into a total jerk to me and disconnect as soon as your friend rosemary gets around to wasting enough of her precious time to speak to me and point out the obvious) im not sure what to do with them all because its wierd and awkward now (because rose hangs out with you everyday and keeps avoiding me and you dont invite me to your house because shes there and this whole thing is doublely planned and scripted like the TV shows you worship) so what should i do with these damn gifts (come on, take the hint, offer to give them to him for me lady).

she says, wow thats great, im sure he will love them. and walks away. translation: im a vindictive woman, i am fickle and no longer like you, my boyfriend despises you because he has to and he always has, our whole friendship was phoney and he doesnt want your stupid fucking gifts. wise up and fuck off man. the next time i saw her, i just ignored her. what else? oi.

guess i should have just said, 'will you give these to dan for me? lets hang out.' and gotten the whole ordeal over with earier.
------------

so red flags are going off with those two. i was gettting mixed signals like never before, left, right, everywhere. it was constant damage control every fucking time i had to talk or deal with any of them. it was way too much, so i backed off for a bit. i thought they were good friends, unbeleiveably good, that they just needed time, but they kept fuckin with my head, pushing me, and ultimately they were trying to change me, to make me like them.

i would argue or debate and shit like that, like we all do, and i think they misinterpreted that as trying to force an opinion on them, instead of as just pushy conversation. i wouldnt want them to change anyway, like i said i liked them. but i get into things, i get passionate about ideas, some people dont and thats ok. i respect the choice to stay strong and calm. but i dont like calm i like real.

on the other hand they did and said things that caused me to feel like i wasnt good enough for them. which is a fucking joke because i rock and i rock steady bitch. they wanted me to change all kinds of shit, little things, big things, fundamental parts of who and what i am. they didnt want to know my friends or do anything outside their perfect sitcom norm. same places same people, same same same everything everyday. not just dependable and stable, those are ok, but isolated. they were genuinely isolated together. complacent and unforgiving.

and im getting this overriding message that the problem is me. that i have done so many things wrong so often that damage control is useless. that something is wrong with who i am. that somehow, someway, i am so fucking aweful and so fucking mean and cruel and fucked up that everything that is happening is my fault and my fault alone. that im being abusive and unkind, that i have been dishonest and untrustworthy and indecisive. i felt like i was talking down to them so they wouldnt freak out on me. i felt like i had to act for them. i felt unwanted around them.

fuck that, that is all bullshit. i saw the flags though. i went to my friends in fucking february, before my birthday, before new york, in april, in may, all along the way. i went to my friends to make sure. i said, this is the bad shit ive done and said, this is what theyre saying, heres the deal in its entirerty.

now, i know they are my friends so they are biased but id like to think when youre honest about whats happening, (and you know youre honest because it gets weird and awkward and embarrasing and makes you feel stupid when you saying someting honest that you didnt really want to add to the story because it shows you are a fool) and when people actually listen, the conclusions are semi-reliable and the judgeing of your character is at the very least, a good measurement to run with.

big revelation here: i make mistakes too! fuck, who wants people in their life who expect them to fit their idea of flawlessness? straight up punkass losers, thats who.

i tell my friends and family whats going on, who is involved, their names and ages and stories, what i like about them and why im upset. you know, everything thats going on. and i add the embarrasing fool shit that i said and did too, its hard but i do it to make sure i get good feedback. i admit my wrongdoings, even the big ones.

and everyone stares at me in disbeleif. hindu cow eyes. some scream. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN!" and "THEY SOUND LIKE THEY SUCK." the basic thing that would happen is that whoever i was talking to would tell me that all of these new friends of mine were fucking insane, immature, and isolated.

its irony, fucking life. i ended up spending most of my time DEFENDING my new friends and trying to paint better and better pictures of them just to keep people from tearing into them and making me feel stupid for even spending time with these nutty children in the first place. i had to defend to myself why i even cared what such crazy people thought! it was rediculous and didnt realy help much, for sure.

i mean, its bad enough that one group, these new friends and new girlfriend, have me doubting my actions and emotions and thoughts and possible abusive behaviors, and treating me like a disease,

but the other group, the one thats supposed to be my support system, my friends and family, love and care but also have me questioning my very choice of new friends and girlfriend and judgments all!

my friends and family supported me a lot through all these last few shitty months though. i would have lost my mind in this bs if not for them. though i realy wanted things to work out with my new friends, and definatley with rosemary, it seems destructive to have relationships with people whose expectations are giant mirrors of themselves. oi oi! people move on, but i do hope they wise up.
---

basic conclusions:
1) dont change who and what i am for these people.
2) let them be themselves, stop fighting with them over it.
3) dont try to change what they think about me, or about anything. not my job.
4) they can treat me however they want, i will respond accordingly, but peaceably.
5) understand that this is far beyond my own control or involvment. this is who they are right now. this is someone else, exerting their own will power, focusing it, and blaming me unaptly. this is their life.
6) this too, shall pass.

7) continue to show kindness to everyone i meet and know, on a daily and personal level, put all efforts into working hard, loving strong, and doing these things can never lead me astray.

8) their loss.
end rant

May!

2006-05-06T02:18:00.000-05:00

lessee... whats going on with me?

my sexwithgod website site is getting along, if slowly. i plan to keep updating it now that i have some time online to do that lolololol...

the Jesus Giest site that i made for the Gospel of Thomas is up and working, check it out its pretty cool.

i switched to midnights at work...
the PINK volvo is almost working...
im moving out of Mike Ds house...

i started a myspace page... profile here and blog here, i have been using the blog there to keep track of my newer song lyrics, so thats where you could see em. :P

btw: there is a woman in my life... her name is Rosemary, surely, this can only lead to trouble... loads and loads of nothing but trouble... :) she is a grad student at EMU, across the street from my house, ha, studying theatre. she said she wants to use it as a medium to identify and educate about domestic violence. sound familiar? eerie...

in June i am taking a vactaion to go see brandon and steve in utah, and patrick's graduation from high school.

potog is taking sarahs gerbil from me and will now deal with endless bad jokes cracked on him at work (dejavu) :)

more later, peace.

April Showers? where?

2006-04-15T18:35:00.000-05:00

i wrote a lot in April about the things that were going on... its all at home on my old computer, ill put it on here sometime.

my niece, elizabeths daughter, was diagnosed with a horrible disease. that sucks.

i went to new york city with heather and rosemary and ila to pick up my pink volvo, thats a crazy story i will tell sometime.
peace.

its everywhere!

2006-04-04T05:50:00.000-05:00

this has been in my mind for 10 days now. bear with.

i just read that by the Law Of Extremely Large Numbers, things like lotto winnings and interconnectedness through the internet and exponential population growth and the 'simple nature of miracles' are becoming more and more 'commonplace'.

what that means the article said among many things is that an average person experiances a miracle (or very unlikely occurance of some sort) every 30 days or so.

what that means to me is this: both my sick fucking unluckyness and magnetism for strange whacked out events is an ordinary feature of probability and mathmatical functions.

i am not cursed!

the human mind can only notice so much. we only notice 3f what we experiance and only 15f that 3

a short list of bands i fucking love

2006-03-29T05:55:00.000-06:00

these are a few bands that i have been listening to lately.

This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb
ok, i JUST got into these guys and they blew me the fuck away. all their material is available online or file sharing etc but you can also buy it online, cheap.

TBIAPB are so good its unreal. Straight FolkPunk with many topical songs. They have many great songs and aside from all the aweful news articles out there about people being fucked with by the cops for sporting their stickers, i cant say anything bad about them. please at least listen to em, i think most of you will like what you hear.

Defiance, Ohio
well, shit. probably the best band i ever missed a fucking show for, back in PunkWeek 05 in AnnArbor. let this be known: i would give a testicle to go back and be at that show instead of getting drunk with a woman who moved to Idaho a month later anyway.

Defiance is so honest that you might cry. The recordings are sometimes shoddy but the passion stands out even though. all their songs are on their website for free and they will be in Cleveland in APRIL!

Bright Eyes
didnt like this guy at first, but he grew on me. Heather gave me a Cd with 3 of his songs on it and i promptly learned how to play all of them. after my crazy trip to NYC last month, his song 'Train Under Water' about breaks me down everytime i hear it. self fullfilling prophecy or something i guess. also I really like 'at the bottom of everything' and 'happy birthday to me'.

Eat the Evidance (my housemates' band)
i just listen to them practice and it suprises the fuck out of me everytime. they have this strange ability to play extremely heavy and loud and rock out super fast while stile keeping the sound mellow. You want to sing along or at least mosh and scream along to them. if these guys keep it together im sure theyll have mp3s up on their site or on cd soon enough. very cool that they just got a new singer who can handle the job. Seriously, look forward to their shows!

Tom Frampton (riot folk)
tom is unknown but i love his lyrics and calm tunes. they have a site called riot-folk.com or something like that, its a collective website for a bunch of solo acoustic/punk artists. check it out.

Against Me!
heres the deal: they sold out. the new record isnt half as good as anyhting before it. the lyrics are BETTER, but the music is WAY over produced. granted, its a big-time (tm) studio album and now they play to sold out concerts of 1000's so maybe they Should charge 12 bucks for a CD, but if something doesnt give then i think these guys are screwed. I still listen to them everyday though, theres no denying the density and flavor of their roots.

Against Me is the one band I always wanted to create, who say the things i beleive in and hoped someone would sing. Otheres can turn coat, but i cant. they are the most amazing band ever and if they get over this sell-out slump i will fuck all of them personally in a minivan with a smile. Against Me! WAS what punk WILL be one day when we all get our heads out of our asses and stop thinking about money and fame and women instead of the god damned music. im ranted out, peace. -c

first post - about me me me

2006-03-23T23:38:00.000-06:00

hi. how are you? wow, thats great. nice to meet you, im christopher.
i have a one track mind. like so many other acoa's in this silly nation, sometimes i have no idea what to do, where to go, or even who i am. or who you are for that matter. so i drink beer beer beer!

ok, about me. art. i love art. music, literature, poetry, painting, graphics, photography, dance, performance of all sorts and lately, juggling. journalism, editing, playwriting, short stories, limericks, comedy acts, mixed media, movies, theater, sculpting, carving, creating, breaking, and exploding. so yup, i love art.

i also love alcohol, trees, animals, the stars, my friends, tatoos, piercings, bums, denim, all things punk, DIY culture, zines, old video games, the goddess eris, purple, talking talking talking, sex, and mexico. in that order. one day i hope to be a superhero, or at least a hero. or a yummy gyro.

a pink volvo exists in my driveway, the title is in my name but i dont drive it yet. coincidently my guitar is also an Atomic Pink Daisy Rock. just luck i guess. seriously though, i like to challenge the status quo, there are way too many agro masogonistic jerks around teaching each new generation that pink is for girls and blue for boys, that fags are evil and black and white dont mix. i want to show people that a man can be strong and confidant, honest and always accountable, regardless of material crap or its strange color. its an uphill kinda battle.

i enjoy fixing cars, computers, and mixed drinks. cooking makes me feel content and usefull. i work at a homeless shelter in ann arbor, michigan and own a black gerbil named Conman who my old roomate left behind when she started smoking crack.

studying philosophy is important to me. and phisics and punk rock and religion and history and accountability and death. putting them all to practice is hard work and so i work hard at it, bitch a lot, and work harder. liz phair said: mostly im living here uninjured, i think thats apt.

hablo espanol mas o menos, y me gusta fumar.

my strong friends and stronger coffee keep me from hijacking a small blue plane and crashnig it into my own house for unknown non-religeous reasons. also, its cause i rent. and juggle.

im learning the ins and outs of 'process oriented living'. for so long i have focused on goals and never achieved them because I HAVE SO MANY GOALS! the years slip quietly by and you realize, hey, why dont i finshish things? so i say, screw your goals! im living in the moment. it feels better and all those dark slimey years of suicidal manic depression can kiss my dairy air. i like this more, and on top of that i get more done AND have more time to spend with friends.

speaking of friends; all things considered and weighed, my goals and processes and work and art is all secondary to my friends. they come and go and move away because ann arbor is sort of a transitory town. people move here to get it together, then take it somewhere else. its good for things to chang, but still, my friends are my family.

a big dysfunctional family all across the world now and at the bottom of everything i work for and struggle with is a deeply rooted and sacred comitment to the people in my life. this life is really god-damned short and trust me i know. too many people i care about have died or wasted away; the bitterness and loss and regret fade slow and leave behind this glistening layer of 'we have to do everything now!'

i love this life. i cherish both my blood family and my random chance family. and if it makes me a damn hippie then so be it, we need to grow stronger and smarter and learn from our mistakes and take the world by the horns, wrap a rope around its cock and ride it like we're all dieing of AIDS and brain cancer, today! i want everything i do to be done out of love, that above all else, honesty, humility and compassion should be the keystones of my life.

the truth is that i am an idealist, a naysayer and a hypocrite. a consumer whore anarchist and a daydreaming starving artist sellout. in this world its impossible to acheive a perfection, because that is a fantasy and a fallacy. your motives, i dont know those, but i am here to learn, to help, and to have fun. to be vunerable, trusting, and driven, without giving in to laziness or apathetic hope.

thats it. my life in a textbox. infinite perspective. suggestions welcome. goodnight, good ridance, and peasout. -c

same shit different day

2006-03-20T03:54:00.000-06:00

it has been many moons since i wrote in this journal. sort of defeats the purpose maybe, you think? well the purpose is goal oriented, and lately ive been learning process orientation. that old, the journey not the destination crap. yay me, pat pat pat.

soon enough i will be moving on and i thought some things should be writen down. strangely enough i had forgotton most of the things i wrote in this journal, and many of the things i went through the last 2 years here in beautiful historic Ypsilanti. mike ds house has been a great fortress for me to hide in, but now my cloud head is on straight and my feet are planted firm in the slimey Michigan soil. like it was the firmament.

in truth, i dont have much to say.

its crossed my mind to stay.

you wont even notice im gone.

pretend we never met :P

peasout folks.

band update

2006-01-20T02:43:00.000-06:00

adam and i are no longer friends. it was a mutual agreement.

fintch stole from all of us and we heard he is living under a bridge and gets beat up a lot for theiving and selling fake drugs. camie left hima nd moved home to her parents.

Julie died last year around thanksgiving, i miss her a lot.

so the band did not work you can see for many reasons.

as for me, i am floundering, as always, but not so much.

goodbye.

our new band 4/20/05

train under water

2005-12-28T20:41:00.000-06:00

so much to say,
too lazy to type it.

peace to you all, whoever you may be.

btw: sexwithgod@hotmail.com
(thats mine ;) -c

listening to: against me!

2005-09-13T02:35:00.000-05:00

AGAINST ME!
as the eternal cowboy

as the eternal cowboy

Woohoo! Fantastic folk/punk, like Billy Bragg/Stiff Little Fingers/Clash: a socio-political soundtrack for those about to rock! This is the first document of AGAINST ME! in their new form as an electric, four piece band.

"Cliche Guevara"

And we'll keep ourselves in a place where it's easy to hold onto.
And as the last threats came and went; this is the way that wars are played.
Always heading for a front, heading for a front, headed we go.
Into the obscurity of an easy to pass on feeling
Objection is so cliché.

A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way on.

So can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?
Turn gunshots and mortar blasts into a metaphor of how we are all the same.
Well there's a lot of things that should be said, said, so we're hammering six strings.
Machine gun in audible voices, this is the party we came for.

A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way.

We stand in amazement of motion in a world that is constantly revolving.
With plans of invasion and arms races racing, yeah we rock, we rock, we rock, we rock to the new sensation.

A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way on.
A new way on.

Tracks:
1. T.S.R. (This Shit Rules)
2. Cliche Guevara
3. Mutiny On The Electronic Bay
4. Sink, Florida, Sink! (Acoustic Version)
5. Slurring The Rhythms
6. Rice And Bread
7. A Brief Yet Triumphant Intermission
8. Unsubstantiated Rumors...(Acoustic Version)
9. You Look Like I Need A Drink (Electric Version)
10. Turn Those Clapping Hands Into Angry Balled Fists
11. Cavalier Eternal

i love this band because they play music that makes me think of all could be if we quit fucking hurting each other in this twisted world

AGAINST ME! officail site

link

42

2005-08-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

if you make the great mistake of contemplating the meaning of life, QUICK! turn back while still you may!

turn that frown...

2005-07-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

happiness is lacking from my life even though i have things everyone else thinks i should enjoy. a great job, healthcare, a running car, a halfway decent place to sleep, a family who is fuct but loves me and a few close friends who drive me batty. i am young, they tell me, and though my teeth are pocketed and blackened i still can chew with them. i can almost play guitar and usually have a quick and logical mind. my memory however is toast. too much gumo and glue.

yet most of these things dont mean a hill of beans to me. even this associates degree im busting my ass to save 1200 dollars to procure has turned sour because of the toil and dissapointment of getting it. ive been thinking lately, how it wont change anything. yes, i want it, i want to finish something. its foolish. but it will not change me or my life or lifestyle into what i think i want and even that most likely wont help me be happy.

i write these songs, you know? and i know you probably think little of my songwriting 'skills' because when you were all around when i was a hack. but now, i think people would be surprised, im a top notch ultra hack. i write these songs and they are fucking stellar and would blow minds and ears and make ripples in nervous systems. yet, i have not found those ones i am meant to play with, and that makes me unhappy. i dont go to shows anymore, i just want to play. its a bloddy sickness.

i understand, as i know you do also, achieving that simple goal is easily within my grasp. but to do so i would have to sacrifice other things ive been lead to beleive i need. and other things i dont want but know the usefullness of. like my college, like my home and car. or even, the town i live in, the people i hang out with, the drugs/booze i dont get caught up in and the crazy women i refuse to get hooken on. my simple image, simple clothing and simple rhetoric. many things would change and some im not willing to give up yet and i know that these are in part the cause, i am the cause, of not having what i want.

so i am unhappy. and a song, a movie, a painting, a good day, a wonderful friend. a hard laugh, a sof rain. things like that make me wish i was happy.

not happy in love, though that was always nice for a while. not in money or employment, though it has kept me out of the psych ward and ive met many fucked up people with wonderful stories to tell because of them. not in style, in speach, in friendships (though a friend would really, really help right about now). and not in family or future. family you participate in. there is no future.

but still i long to be happy. that too, is within my reach. but to earn happiness, to reach that stage of personal development, to be happy where you are, who you are, right now and not later, i am still learning ABOUT HOW to do it, and have not yet begum DOING IT, BEING THERE, ecept for small moments, scattered sporatic hours. but for once, and this is sick, i have some hope.

i feel inadequate and immatture for having hope, knowing what it comes from and where it eventually leads. but i wont deny it, there is hope in this rotting shell. and if thats what it takes, backing down from my subjective personal beleifs and from my convictions and philosophies and everything i have laerned and studied and lived through to come to be me; if i have to back down and make way for hope, so i have something, anything to cling to through this spirit draining storm, then god dammit i think its a small price to pay for happiness. but then; why am i still unhappy?

i often wonder, am i cursed, stupid, fucked up in the head? beaten down, final phases? it that where this darkness comes from? but i understand, i am not filled with darkness; the world is. i am a conduet, a medium. searching for a light to lead the way. wondering if it is possible, to BE that light for myself, for others. to find others who ARE that light. we have only each other.

if each of us was a small beacon, imagine the view from the sky at night.

am i insane, i often wonder too, or am i just lonley and confused and different then the rest? am i just fading into time instead of buring like a gasoline rain? and if so, whos to say one is 'better' or facilitates more happiness then the other? and would happiness change anything? so many questions, the only answers are more questions. so little time, so many wasted nights.

i think happiness may be when you start to make use of those hours, of your time. when you have become what you always were; a morphing and ever evolving soul, and realize the temporal nature of yourself, of everyone and of all things; and begin to live each day as your last. so when you are gone, you have not squandered your days on money, power, authority, and success (AM!). but spent them on love and friendship. on music and joy and life and creation and imagination.

what a beautiful dream we are sharing my friends, when we wake let us remember it.

listening to: wintersleep

2005-07-08T02:34:00.000-05:00

WINTERSLEEP
(self titled)

Wintersleep

June 2003
"4/5 - A vigorously cathartic musical experience, full of wisdom and understanding. The band craft song after song of downtrodden indie rock that carries enough weight on it's shoulders to induce shin splints and stress fractures. Entirely honest, deeply moving and above all brimming with intelligence, this quartet are far from your average band. It is the lack of commercial sensibility and keen focus on honest musical expression that really makes this outing as enjoyable as it is in the end, if ever there were a perfect soundtrack to a bout of quiet retrospection on a rainy day, "Wintersleep" would probably be it. "
The PRP, USA/England/Brazil

Tracks:

1. sore
2. snowstorm
3. avalanche
4. butterfly
5. home
6. caliber
7. the dead
8. wind
9. orca
10. assembly lines
11. ambulance
12. motion

Assembly Lines:
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

why i like them:

a website with a bio and samples

wintersleep official website

machine dreams

2005-06-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

fuck the system.
we will not just imagine.
we will not just stand.
we will not just defy.
we will not just scream.
we will create.
without a system.

peace.
-c

supreme court jesters

2005-06-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

brandon sent me this link to a website about the supreme court and the ban on file sharing: Supreme Court rules against file swapping.

this news was on NPR all day yesturday. the poser powers-that-wont-be-for-long have decided if they cannot make cds that we cannot copy, they will make sharing software and even cd copy software illegal. seriously. they are putting into a motion a series of events that will lead to the revolution.

they fucking really, really think they can make it illegal to share music with people and to copy cds onto our computers. one day they will tell us it is illegal to take a cd to our friends house and let them listen to it. they say the price of the underground market is so great, their only option is to 'sacrifice' our personal rights, for us. how nice of 'them'.

brandon is right. when you achieve awareness and objectivity, everything you say is understood to be in quotations. '---'s. perspective. perception. thinking of burritos whilst burning the inside of the box.

'everything' 'i' 'say' 'is' 'in' 'quotes'. 'you' 'dig' '?'

i learn fast. i am learning that we ar headed for a HUGE isolationist movement in america. this system is eating itself and i think it will collapse a lot sooner than most like minded anarchists think. i do not think we will make it to the final phases before complete core system failure.

right now, this is the revolution. we will do things our way and those in control will try to stop us. when they cannot stop us, they will force us to stop and we will fight back. there will be much strife. we will steal their electricity and crazy days will ensue. we will group together in tribes and take the world back for the living. for earthlings. we will not be cogs in this toaster forever.

that freedom is never free, this we must aquaint ourselves with. my friend trina is half indian and went on a vision quest in n.dakota. no food or whatnot for 7 days alond in the wilderness. she said to me:

"people think things come easy these days, that things are sometimes free. that change just happens, but i think you get what you sacrifice for. growth cannot happen without giving blood."

ban cd copy software? ban mp3s? ban the internet? go ahead!
while you are at it, maybe you should ban choice, because free will is about to chomp you in the fat corporate sellout ass.

ban anarchy you mother fuckers.

purple power

2005-06-27T03:50:00.000-05:00

mike is going on a cross sountry trip on a bike, i told him i think it sounds exciting, but i probably over glamourize it. lots and lot of sweat and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. you would be stopping in many cities on the way. i always thought it would be cool to 'puddle jump' across country from town to town in a car and meet loads of bumpkins. then drive into the majr cities and meet cool ass folks and see local shows.

now with the power of the purple van, these things are not beyond my reach. things are falling into place. wait, did you hear that? 'falling into place', as if it were an act of nature or god or out of my control. that is bullshit. i am building things into place. i have worked hard and sacrificed my energy, my fucking heart and most important my time. we dont get much of it, time, and people say it gets 'spent'. like money.

richard bach said 'i spent my life to become who i am, did i choose wrong?'. think about the word 'spent' in that sentance. you purchase the life you now lead with the one you once had, pluses and minuses for your choices.

i created this life, now i must do something with it. peace
:P

sweet home escanaba

2005-06-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

we talk a lot around here, and clean the house little. i keep thinking, today ill clean up before work, and then get caght up in some sweet ass discussion about some thing or another with sarah or ogre, poof! then its time to go. im working out my time managment to compensate, cleaning today, maybe.

i get quietly disturbed and secretly complacent when things become homey, and i am glad i havent felt that way here much. i dont see myself ever doing that, 'settling down' or buying a house, uness i decided to have children with someone, and the thought brings up a lot of self conflict. if you enjoy a place, no reason not to stay. but home is a four letter word for me.

that said, sarah is fun to live with. she and heather are talking about buying a house. what a comforting scairy, and all together enlightening experiance that would be. if it ends at talking then i will definately not complain. i dont know what her plans or yours or anyones are, but i this now is a good one, as far as nows go. i like living with ogre and sarah, it has been uplifting and i dont feel as homeless as before. adam comes around a lot, and though we dont spend much time together, i see him more, and its all good that way.

i have not allowed myself to accept living here, these two cities, and michigan in general. i have this notion that if i call this town 'my home' than i have somehow failed, and dont worry, i am aware of the rediculous negative self fullfilling prophacy that way of thingking creates. i know we are where we are and we are moving and growing and soon to die, and that no positive change is a failure.

you can change the scenery but not the scene. i know that you are who you are no matter where you take you, but i have other things, other places in mind. so to use this peaceful time to make myself, to better and grow, that is a reason to stay. it is like a plateau overlooking a wide expanse of desert. i must treat into the valleys below, avross the wastelans and climb the friged mountain peak, barly visible on the horizon. it is a long and dangerous journey, but from my safe plateu, i can prepare. i can become the man i want to be, before this grand quest begins.

i have finaly saved enough to go to college in the fall and 'finish' school, so one more snowfest wont be that bad after all. it will give me time to visit family, say goodbye to friends, and maybe even get this god damned band going before the ice hits.

i dont know you, maybe you like the winter, personally i cant stand it anymore. theres somthing about the codependance of it that i am beginning to understand. bundle up, faith in your power company, and whoever you sleep with, trust your employer and your fucking salt rusted car to pay bills; all just to stay warm. and the roads, thats the real killer. fuck the roads.

the idea that this next winter may not be my last, but will be my last here, it is so appealing, it literally motivates me. it is behind everything i do. every dollar i save. every toe i lick. every beer i drink.

aye matey! land ho!

2005-06-23T17:07:00.000-05:00

so dig this wierdness.

at the graduation party, on my vacation, it got time for interogating me. being the 2ed oldest they look up to me a bit, im undeserving, but they wouldnt understand why. i told them that i am working at a hmoeless shelter joe-job and going back to school in the fall, that i am planning to move to a warmer state. said that im not sure which one yet.

they said 'where do you live' and 'who do you live with' and 'what do you do' etc. my brother david met my ex-roomate elly, and mentions her. i say no, elly was just my roomate, thats all. then weirness rears its weasle heads.

it was as if i had said: "no, i put both my kids up for adoption. and i dont beleive in god or jesus. i get welfare. im planning on killing myself and taking others with me. i live a life of perversion and dibouchery and fill my days with heavy cocain use, intravienous, and my nights with de-flowering underaged virgins with GHB. i fuck animals and put the pictures on the internet. and i am gay.".

they just looked at me in disbelief, like is was lying to myself, as though i was telling them that 'we broke up and i havent accepted it yet'. so i said, no, its not like that, we were really just roomates, but she moved out. then i told them about ogre and sarah and mike.

my uncle says, whatdoyyamean roomates? what is that, you mean youre just fucking? and my borther mike says why does some random guy live with you, is he a freeloader or something? and i was flabberghasted. my cousin charity says, how can you have roomates if you live in a house? thats just for when youre in college.

so i tryed to explain the whole dynamic of being 25 years old and living in a big city by yourself. bigger city at least. about how you make friends and its cheaper to live with them, that most of us cant afford to live alone. that when you move away your friends become your family. that co-ops and roomates and this lifestyle is great. really, they didnt get it.

i am so much different then they are. each is married or has kids or lives by themself ('on their own'). and they didnt understand the concept of mutual platonic living at all. i got across the facts, im single, i work, im back in school, i have a cell phone. but intrapersonal concepts were hard to represent propperly. i felt like i was banging my head against a wall to decipher this other world for them. like i was speaking mexican sign language with my feet.

i love them all and though i gave up at trying to explain why it is not copletely fucking weird and sinful to live with a woman whom you are not in a relationship with, and a guy you dont really know at all. they couldnt get over that. my mountain of a cousin ryan said something along the lines of 'it sounds like a hippie commune'. i felt backe dinto a corner, like a coon stuck in your garage. i floundered with words. i saw the looks in their eyes, these wierd 'are you gay' looks, and i then knew they did not get it at all.

see, to my family the idea of living with someone means you are creating a life with them, for a relationship and children and a future. i didnt have the heart to tell them that i dont think anyone has a future, that we live only in the now, that i love living with my friends and that codependant relationships are what held me back the last few years. in the end, i told them to trust me that it was the normal thing here, in a college town, and normal in big cities for people my age to live with random others. still wierd though.

any sense of teaching them a truth or profound meaning was stripped away. looking back, i think the truth of the matter came through quite clear. i think they understood that i am alone and follow my own rules and thats probably why i am alone. so i fill my time with people i barely know, thrust into situations and living arrangments that breed chaos, friendship, and community. when in doubt, i find a new roomate. and so they taught me about myself.

not to mention i had to use the word normal, thereby losing all faith in my abilty to converse with logic and intelligence, and invalidating my whole purpose for becoming educated experianced and enlightened. if you have to use the word normal to prove your point, you point is meaningless. so i quit trying to explain myself to them, and just enjoyed being there. and it became a great cavation.

family guy

2005-06-22T10:08:00.000-05:00

when i went to my mothers place for my vacation i went to this graduation for my little cousin tim. like most family gatherings we all got half drunk and got to askin questions about each other and our many different lives. we do that alot, my cousins and sibblings and i. it is a way of knowing each other, though we do not. through important events we connect, and somehow over the distance and years, we stay a little connected.

when we grew up, our family was close knit, interwoven, and we all lived in the same area. my cousins were the same as my sibblings. we spent all our free time together and they were my best friends. it was like having 9 brothers and 6 sisters. still is too. our familys were all alike and our parents all worked and lived the siimple life.

yet now we each live far away from each other and lead very contrasting lives.

chaunce is getting married in early october. he and shi-lo have a son named caedan together. chaunce is a year yonger than me, but growing up he was my equal. sometimes he was my sidekick, sometimes i was his. his wife-to-be hates my brother david, the all-round nicest guy in the universe. probably gay. maybe just shy. i thnik she hates him because he represents freedom to chaunce, and she is marrige-most definately not freedom. but i really dont know, i dont see them much and its all my impression of hearday overlapping events. blah.

charity has been married forever, and she said she had a recent divorce scair. shes a year older than me, we went to high school, and later to college together. she has a son brian, i think he is 3. christina is in college still, so is michael but its going on 6 years for him. fucking engineers, i tell you.

elizabeth had a daughter, shes 2 years younger than i. i dont know anything about who she is now, but i know shes fucking insane. i like to say, 'shes like me, with more periods.' timothy just graduated h.s. and says he wants to join the navy or make video games. i told him they're the one and the same. patrick will graduate h.s. next year, this kid knows more about real anarchy than most people my age. did a historical report on it, understands workers movements and local knowlege pervading the global. community. but doesnt know that he knows. rock.

barry has 2 kids and one on the way. i gave him a trailer once. my claim to good deeds done. hes missing a lot of teeth, and smiles a lot, doesnt care. i felt comfortable smiling around him, and though he lives in the heights, a ghetto i grew up in for a while, hes stile got that country innocense about him. sucks at horseshoes, but it was great being around him. still just a kid in ways, but supporting his family. i think i undrestand, but how can i be sure, you know?

i rolled my eyes a lot the whole time. not what you would call intelectually stimulated folks. they dont care much about art, philosophy, history or the collapse of the modern world. they care a lot about their family; and therein lays their strength.

david jr., my oldest little borther, lives with this dubious con artist friend of ours nick. hes always got some scam going that we always get somehow caught in. the thing of movies. davids so much like his father, its discerning, but genetic. i guess he just works and lives and helps the younger ones get along without a father around. selfless, and i respect him for it. i dont have the endurance to put up with living in nowhereville, but if i cdid i be happy to spend time with them all.

though i am living my own life, on my terms, and far away from them, i am seeing more and more why it is important to continue cultivating connections with them. i am learning that time with the ones you love, its what people have struggled to preserve throughout human history. civilization is family. lucky for me they are forgiving of my acute absense, and i of their simple ways. i love them.

sometimes i think the whole point of having family is to have people who dont really know you, who accept you and love you without question. people who will let you change over the years not because they want to, but because they didnt have to put up with the shit you caused becomming yourself. thats what friends are for.

jedi gray concrete

2005-06-20T03:06:00.000-05:00

the last 3 days i havent been sleeping after work. i go straight home, and straight to my guitar. then 4 hours have gone by and im tired as all hell.

before work i watched Star Wars III, a bootlegged 'working' copy. there are so many fucking glitches and factoids that dont make any sense at all. its as if an 8 year old girl worte this movie. great story, plot, ideas, all fucking great. script, animations, dialogue, all shite. the worst ever.

i love star wars. its like, C-rated. its a zombie movie in outer space, only the zombies are trapped in white plastic suits and suck up peoles brains from inside their helmets, without even physical contact. then the storm trooper zombies are forced to shoot all the morons they have inadvertantly created because the morons (actors) want the storm zombies to read their palms and knaw on walking toasters and take marksman lessons. and a few hippie detective types get these colorful plastic swords that can kill zombies and morons with love, and fashion. only each time they use their super sabers or get laid the psychic sherlocks turn stupider too. and everyone in the movie is blow the fuck out on way, WAY too much weed and whiskey, they cant even talk and half the time they dont. i love star wars.

this is a humourus remake of the script, here. i laughed for about 3 minutes.

the idea of the movie is kind of about selfishness vs selflessness. or not. its a fun movie so far, with tons of cool things and tons of aweful things that made me cringe. i almost vomited twice, i laughed a lot, got freaked out, thought about deep shit, grinded my teeth, bit my tongue, daydreamed, wished i had my own pretty astrology sword, and thoughouly enjoyed this movie.

im about 3/4s through it, and waiting to watch the sure to be great and god aweful ending. so much better than the first 2 newer movies; those were pathetic atempts to make zombie movies. like Night of the Living Dead 3. Star Wars 3 is more like Army of Darkness. its gonna be a cult classic, i swear its so bad, you wont beleive the meth heads who wrote this movie are laughing all the way to the swiss bank.

i like the sweet ass half naked bluish green jedi bitch who dies for being dumb. plus they bring the spiritual notion of the force back, i like that. i used to be a geek, can you tell? either way i think a lot of people will be very happy with this movie. people who like star wars will overlook the errors, lunacies, and pure lack of writing ability whatsoever.

people who hate it will overlook the decent acting, maybe, the really smooth message and the wholesale slaughtering of droids, clones, jedi, and children. not to mention that its been a long time i hated a movie and loved it like this. variety is the spice baby, variety. colored condums. twisted and fucked up movies with lame scripts that really dont make any sense at all.

oh yea. i read this thing in the script a while back, it was on the net, the script i mean. so theres a part that was cut out of the movie (probably to put in the directors cut...lol) where Ewan McGregor (sp), the voice of Qui Gon Jin, Obi Wans teacher, contacts Yoda and tells him how to achieve immortaily in the force, and Yoda studies it and tells ObiWan about it. Now, i wont get into the details, but this is VERY important to the movies as a whole, and to the actual 'religion' that has developed around the force. but, they cut it out, fuck george lucas he just is a pretty boy medium for the zombie message. whatever.

there are these numbers all over the top half of the bootleg, constantly counting hours, seconds, tenths of seconds, etc, like a banner-marquee. so annoying at first, but you get used to it. what do you expect from a bootleg?

weird thing is that there are multiple 'takes' of many scenes. there play in succesion, so after you see the scene one way, you see it another. in this one scene, the whole scene plays out, then the revised version which is shorter with 2 quick cut scenes deleted. just those two shots- made the scene much darker and creepy. thats fucking amazing, i wish movies showed you all the things you missed from the origianl, then you could compare then and learn cool insights into character motives, and into director motives.

its 4am and i havent eaten in 3 days. tios is closed, whatever will i do? the van is... well it is running okay? and today i want to take it to a shop to 'check it out'. then ill paint it and sticker it up and maybe get a new windshield. i enjoy having a vehicle again, it makes me feel normal. yea, theres no normal, but feelings dont care if there is or not, they just feel.

i had this long discussion with sarah, my newest roomate, yesturday. about life i guess. living, all things. she pulled the richard bach move, the old philosopher thing about the 'veil of perceptions'. i floundered, i cant put what i think into words. what i think and beleive are different, and ever chainging. how could you put an amourphous blob of ideas into words? so limited by language.

this world is real, beleive me or not, though it is an illusion. in a way it exists as 'particle and wave', in a manner of speaking. it is illusionary, yet still could be wholly real, as i think it is. either way its always fun to talk to Sarah, she makes me fight to explain what im saying.

all to much in this world people just nod and smile because they dont have a fucking clue what i am saying or they dont care what im saying or they are too lazy to use stretch their mind enough to engage. fucking sheep. stupid lovable sheep rolling in their own feces. blag.

the world is not my home

2005-06-19T06:26:00.000-05:00

when we enjoy being alive,
we will show how thankfull we are;
to all those who have come before us,
to everyone we love.

and we will remember.

lazy days in michigan summer

2005-06-19T02:18:00.000-05:00

i mowed the lawn today. it smelled great, the work was nice. so many times in life i forget the things i once did every summer as a child. mowing lawns, riding bikes, playing in gulleys, fast cars, dark pine forests, warm dunes and smelly lakes, hell lake michigan the pristine still becons me.

i live in mikes house now, he has two dogs. they smell to all high-shit but theyre friendly and fun to play with. ever since moving to ann arbor i havent lived anywhere with dogs, ive missed it. theres a certain saftey feeling, a nomadic kinship. tribal times when we all hunted together maybe.

then i went for a walk with a friend. we passed the huron river, its huge. rippling shallows in the low light, river songs. so much about michigan i miss, funny thing is im still here. its the city i think; it leads your paradigm astray. i dont see rivers and trees, just buildings and people and cars. its all still there though if you look. its all underneath.

andy spotted a racoon in the park we were in, then an oppossum in a bush row. hes from marquette michigan, almost as small as scottville. somehow the city lights havent clouded the stars from his eyes yet. dont get me wrong, unless hes a lucky one they will eventually, but not yet. he still sees the farm life in the middle of the yuppie mall. all i see for animal life are the skunks in the trashes on my 3am walks home from work and the prolets getting drunk on their porches.

we passed prolets and said no when they tried to bum smokes. but i thought both animals he spotted were skunks, so i backed away quickly and said so. am i tamed?

flesh ram

2005-06-19T02:02:00.000-05:00

my POST and BIOS are battling my OS and my HDDs. not to mention that at this point in life my NETWORK and INTERNET connections are so overpopulated with trite and worthless material and commercials and unstructured unorganized information, they are all useless to look to. and my new ZEN co-processor has this odd ability to process NULL and EXNAUT and INFINITY and cant add zeros.

fuck, this upgraded UNITY-chip computes PARADOX/TRUTH for most things that should be answered FEASIBLE/FALSE. then offers new POVs to explain itself. brains are confusing!

at least the damn thing is doing its job because it can go:
wow, this is weird the way i feel right now. why is it weird. yea, that stupid question all the time. theres like 5 of em and they make me tired. loops, all of em. plus, the question is not valid, it is a preconceived program my parents and tv built into me and the new upgrades bypass any and all of the answers.

the only real answers are in the form of more complex questions.

---

so with all this computing power i can decide that
1) everyone does what they want to do to make them happy and to learn and that is a great freedom to have.
2) i am not close minded just because i dont like something or it makes me skeptical.
3) this thing i feel awkward about reflects who i have been made by the world to be, as well as who i have lived through life and chosen to become.
4) all love is good love, like pizza.
5) i have these reservations and thoughts about such for REASONS, and those i should discover and learn more about.
6) i should never let things i think reflect the way i treat people, words have no weight and thoughts dont exist but actions are the moment. verbs create time. and
7) to shut others out for 'crossing my lines' etc is absurd, and i am a better person now for realizing that and working to unravel the mysteries within my own mind and being.

CONCLUSION: dont do anything you dont want to. do nothing with harmful intentions. dont expect anyone to to ever be something i think or thought they are/were. never enslave people with my perceptions or judgments. there are no rules, these ones are subject to change if given plenty of thought, testing, experience leading to positive results and then proving conducive to peace and life and compassion.

DECISION: stop worrying about things beyond your control. supplement negative or self indulgent internal talk with other things. stop thought trains, stay alert. live in the moment not in the maybe. practice living until you die. let people be themselves, thats why they are beautiful. dont fuck anyone you dont want to have babies with. enjoy what we have. rock on.

Ester, like in the bible

2005-06-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

my great grandmother, Ester Gerhke, is sick and in a hospital. i was told that she would not make it through the night last night, then today that she is still hanging on. my mom said, i dont know if you care or not... because i didnt respond when told of her life threatening condition.

well of course i care about my grandma, i just didnt think (and still dont) that there was anything appropriate to type back. what can i say? i think it is hard when people you know and love die, but i also think it is the natural way of things here and i refuse to be afraid of it. if up to me, i would only ask that she is not in pain, that she knows she is loved, and that she doesnt have to be alone in some creepy fucking hospital in but fucked michigan. i would take her someplace she wanted to be with people she loved to die in peace.

i know she was a devout christian, i think that will surley help her face her final moments. a friend once said to me, it doesnt matter what you beleive, as long as you beleive in something. people who cant make up their minds, poeple who never do, and people who beleive in nothing, they tend to live shorter lives, unhappier lives, and die in painful or tragic ways.

i felt bad because i didnt realize it was so serious while i was up north last week. i would have visited her in the hospital if i had grasped the reality of it. my grandmother, pat, Esters daughter, gave me the impression that it was something little that grandma would be out right away for. i felt stupid for asking about buying grandmas car when i found out her illness was serious. i dont think its fair that my grandmother, pat, will view me as some asshole who didnt care that her mom was dying, who wanted to take advantage of the situation to buy a car, but also i think that en leu of grandma being sick and dying, 'what grandma george' thinks about me personally really doesnt fucking matter, does it? some things are more important than opinions.

besides, i didnt care, grampa had told my mother, who then told me that they had a car for sale. no one said it was because my great grandma might die. fuck. fuck.

though i have searched and searched i have not yet found something to truly beleive in, not enough to make that last adventure a peaceful one. not yet. but it makes me happy to know that grandma will not be afraid when she leaves this plane. my great grandma Ester has something to light her way.

grandma always made me laugh.

'when i was your age... back in 1942'

peace,
-c

nocturnal emmisions

2005-06-17T03:38:00.000-05:00

dammitall. why wont this just away? why cant i just enjoy a beautiful womans presence? why cant i let go of outdated ideals? why does she melt me burn me devour my skin? where is balance, where is piety, where the fuck did adstinence go? why do i want her?

why doesnt she just despise me? that would make life so much easier. if it was only a few years aao, i could throw myself at her and we could have a desperate and crazed affair destined to spiral into nothingness. or i could self destruct myself, or make her hate me.

but those are the ways of children, of the past. it is high time to find more effective methods. it is time to use imagination. time to change again.

like, i think you understand me, some, but im not sure if that sort of arrangment is even worth looking for. i dont want a slave or a wife or some bullshit relationship past its time to end. but is it too much to ask for a relationship with someone who cares about you, understands you a little, helps you and you help them, sharing goals and dreams and making them work? is that unrealistic? i do wonder, maybe it is. maybe you should take what you get dealt, whatever easy thing you find, so you wont feel left out or regret being alone. maybe when someone says to you, wanna have a threesome tonight? you should say hell yea, sure, im kinda drunk though and therell probably be all kinds of weirdness in the morning. but i can already tell i dont beleive in what im typing now. i didnt wait 2 seconds to respond.

marcus aurelius says "speak not of the kind of man you would be, but today begin being that man."

fuck! i want to raise kids someday, do i want to do things i would be ashamed to tell them about? of course you dont tell your kids about getting your groove on with their mother, but you teach them about sex. would i say, you know, daddy used to fuck everyone he could to fill the hole in his soul before he met mommy. or mommies. i just dont fucking see that. sure, monogomy is green eyed horse crap leading to strife, but that doesnt mean being a slut will produce the opposite effect. that is illogical. i want to love and be loved and to sing and scream and fuck and get drunk and build and burn and touch the stars and ride on laser lashes to the ends of the galaxy.

when i get where i am going will i say: im glad i had a lot of sex with a lot of partners? no way, thats the programming they force-feed american boys. i dont buy it! sex does not lead to happiness, greatness is not in good looks and money! THESE THINGS ARE UNENDURING!!!

so maybe i just said what i always say. no thanks, i appreciate the offer, but im doing ok for now. have a good time, but i have principles to stand for. even if it means standing alone, or lonley. i beleive in something, i cant put it in words. it is longer than my cock, bigger than your clevage, and deeper than any orifice we humans try to hide away in.

you know, it really felt like a slap in the face too. like saying: "hey there christopher, you know that woman you are totally crushing on? the one you can see yourself falling scholastically in love with? the one you could start a family with, the one who is more than you thought women in this place could become? the kind you respect and admire and enjoy and dream about? well you can have nasty nuaghty crazy sex with her tonight if you want to because shes freaky like that. come on itll be fun. you know you want to, you cant say no. no one says no to sex. real men fuck everyone. what do ya say chritopher, wanna live out the fantasy? wanna fuck a goddess?"

and then the whiplash hits, the absurdity of the situation. i recoil and go; "wait a minute, i like freaky! freaky is great, sex and drugs and rock and roll for life! anarchy and intensity, reality truth and peace man! freaky is fucking phantasmal! only...

...maybe not that freaky."

i want
she-wants-to-get-freaky-with-me-because-she-enjoys-me-and-wants-to-understand-me-and-share-something-amazing-with-me-and maybe-spend-some-time-together-for-a-few-months-or-hopefully-years' kind of freaky. not 'she-likes-to-get-freaky-for-freakys-sake-and-dont-give-a-shit-if-its-me-she-uses-to-get-off-or-my-brother-in-laws-neighbors-mop-as-long-as-she-gets-off' freaky. thats a little too distanced for my taste. not like im saying thats her, shit, how would i know. im just saying thats not what i want. i am saying i want someone who enjoys me, not someone who is horney. pigs.

at first it kinda hurt, that offer. but then i thought, at least i get to hang out with her, she is so cool and a real sweet heart. makes me think, this is the kind of woman we always talked about meeting in this crazy world and she really is that fucking down with being there. and sad, knowing rationale says: 'nope, she aint the one fer you kiddo, but she is a great person and you should get to know her. then you can cherish her for who she is and wants to be and not what you would have her be to you, because that is not fair to anyone and you are evolved beyond that now. keep looking but dont fret the close calls. you will find many things, lovers, children, success, warm weather, family, balance and peace. you will find all things you seek in time, even truth. one day, so chill.'

damn i love my brain.

its the close calls that git to ya, really. i guess, im super glad to have met a woman i respect. what people do with their bodies is their own business, its good to meet people who are different. i do wish i wasnt so attracted to her, it makes interaction next to impossible. i turn to jelly and talk like a monkey. she makes me feel stupid and childish so i guess thats not what im looking for at all. who would want a relationship with a person that makes them feel stupid? lol, you know, i dont mean they put you down or get demeaning, i mean they outshine you so much, you become their shadow. i dont wanna be anyone's shadow. sidekicks are for losers. still, its just life, full of people, all with feelings, gotta love em all or none of em. and i do. ;)

it was so hard to let this crush go. i love having FEELINGS again, it is fucking great to be HERE and look forward to something, even chance encounters. i swear to christ, i can see myself 'settling down' with a woman like her. thats why it was so awkward for me, it seemed for a minute like (dont laugh, ass) like this might be the one... that one who i didnt think existed, that one who should be one of many but i cant even find one of em, that one who could show me that i am not pickey, i am not unrealistic, i am not delussional and illogical. the woman who would surprise me.

so i guess in a certain way, she was the one for me. lol, so funny to say (type) that! but i am serious, dig? she was not the typical 'the one who was meant for me' thing, but she taught me a new lesson i did not know, or belive, i would ever learn. she is the one who taught me that i should keep looking. that someone special for all of us can exist, many times over. that even a pickey weirdo like me with twisted expectations can find a lover who superecedes all my ultra-standards. that there are others like me out there in this mean fucking universe and i just have to find them.

my crush on a catylyst

maybe. this could all be way wrong. all i know, not a god damn thing. what i do? i stay alert and ready for the moment when my limited skills and experience can be shared for great purposes. i focus and forget and wear my toothless scowl like a cracked crown and water my fucking destiny through layers of lead to the crimson roots, i push on and i rock hard. what else can i do?

what a long strange trip its been.

hippies strike back

2005-06-16T21:01:00.000-05:00

i have been in the throws of a real dilemma, and finally feel confidant that it is over. kapoot! its not what you think, yes i was genuinely interested, of fucking course, this wasnt one of those 'passing phases'. i just wasnt entertaining notions of actualizing my interests. this is not the time or the place, seriously, and i am not yet who i want to be. why waste other peoples time when im not even myself yet? thats dishonest and immature and i wont do it. again. :)

so when i decided not to attempt rocking it (rocketing?) with her, and commited myself to that course, it was easier to 'deal' with her. deal with myself is a bit more accurate. im the fool here, no one else. well, then she bumped up the pressure. why do people alway do that, ha. out of nowhere there are these wonderful moments of unsolicited contact, innuendos, flirting in the middle of deep and thought provoking conversations. its fun, its aweful. life rules.

i am not a jealous person, not in the least, at least not Anymore. i sure as shit used to be, but time, death, abortions, loss, these things have a way of changing a man. somewhere along the line, with help from many people and places and problems, i got over it. now im just a normal guy, trying to find... i dont know. something. something honest and real and embracing. thats all. i want to create, and one day to be happy and connected to my friends and family. i harbor no bullshit notions of what men are and what women should be and how marriage or relationships work. post humus fame and hope are for fools. religion, fuck who cares. god, fuck god in costumes for laughs. i got none of that baggage but this woman makes me feel like i am sheltered and close minded, sortof.

i feel more like a person now. nonviolence and music, love, anarchy, logic. freedom, fearlessness. art and poetry. evolution, purity of intent and clarity of thought. the struggle to touch greatness. truth and light and the goofy canvas of life. these are the things i hold dear, these are the foundations of my existance. these are what i fight for, i spend my only life to create.

with her, i sense that kinship, that struggle, that realistic and compassionate kindness for all the creatures of world. like i said, she is a goddess.

so the dilemma doesnt exist. i think the freedom to be yourself is important, i must and will extend that freedom onto others. we cannot limit people for our own needs. we cannot be restricted by puritan laws and codes of 'couples conduct.' i want to express myself and my sexuality, in a safe, honest, and enduring way.

over the years i have beat myself up debating over 'free love' and 'connecting with complete strangers'. i cant seem to dig that jive. its just as bad as conservatism. i mean, im fucking educated, and even if i stretch my mind here, stretch ALL OUT, the whole dichotomy seems like our 'broken down nothing to believe in raped and lied to and ubber confused' generation's 'non-committal escapism' bullshit. we did not struggle for enlightenment just to throw our hearts and bodies at whosoever we can for fun and to toy with. i know there is more to love than sex and more to sex than love and way more to connecting with people than sex or love; but that doesnt mean that having sex with your friends and being overtly sexual and promiscuous creates meaningful connection. i dont want that trip.

truth is what i seek, and in seeking truth you do not do that which you believe to be untrue. i believe that sex without connection (to make one, ha) lessens my awareness of truth, of myself, and of the pleasure of knowing and caring for other human beings.

like when i was talking with mike d once and i said, 'i dont think you should ever fuck your friends. thats not fair to them or you, why would you put that baggage on someone you care about?' and mike d said to me, (theres a conversation starter) : 'ha, thats funny, i ONLY fuck my friends!'. (i think we agreed to disagree, akk)

and therein lies the great differance between mike d and me.

i think that open relationships, however cool and modern and seemingly enlightened they are, simply lead to unwanted pregnancies, desperate bonds, and take away from my integrity, as an organic creature capable of advanced thought and deep love, as a trustworthy friend, and as a starving artist. jealousy is so abusive and sick, and i will never subscribe to that kind of mentality again, but sharing your soul with strangers for orgasms is abusing and wasting yourself.

there is nothing wrong with a differance of beleive or lifestyle, but isn't that the major pitfall of this newest of ages? that everything is permissible because there is no right or wrong? that its better to fuck everyone than to fuck no one? that if you over compensate for the lack of connections we have been taught (or specifically NOT been taught) is the norm, then that makes you free and open minded and enlightened and evolving and cool?

come on! do i look gulible?!? stupid? i have a brain and a mind! i have heart! i have been searching for years for a reason to live (or at least a reason not to kill myself) and meaningless sex is NOT the answer i have been looking for. fools and tv.

and remembering that, it helps me. to feel better and at ease around her, and around every woman. so i will say what i need to say, and then move on with my strange life.

she is like a sweet n sour pirate queen. who is my sexy sister. eww, gross, but conviction leads to strength.

she is strong and sensitive and lovably chubby. silly and much smarter that a hack like me. she smiles like a nympho in Hade's den, and she is cute as cherubs on cheap grocery store checkout lanes. she is a venus decamillo in her sisters jeans. she is colorful and funny and erotic to the hilt. she gives me Goosebumps and wet daydreams and that fuzzy feeling a hug from grandma feels like, all at once. shes mad as a hatter and sings like a dolphin. shes quick and witty and has outstanding taste in music. and hair like a grizzlys teeth. she is a hell of a woman.

yes, i admit, there are some residual effects of that damn crush. there always are. i am glad its over though, i thought i was going to stab myself in the dick with a rusty squirrel. it will be good to feel comfortable again. maybe my chest will stop sputtering around her.

viva la vi fem basillis!

listening to: a perfect circle

2005-06-16T02:27:00.000-05:00

A Perfect Circle
Mer de Noms
(fr. sea of names)

May 2000

this is probably the most interesting album made this century. the lyrics are cryptic and the bass lines are furious. the surreal, melodic orchastration and strange, dreamy, nightmarish waves of guitar and voice make this a must have. if you havent heard this you are so missing out on a brilliant course on living.

Tracks:

1. Hollow
2. Magdalena
3. Rose
4. Judith
5. Orestes
6. 3 Libras
7. Sleeping Beauty
8. Thomas
9. Renholdër
10. Thinking of You
11. Breña
12. Over

Links:

a perfect circle - official website

chat etc - this is my favorite APC site

fansite - a great site with news articles

3 Libras:
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.

So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all

sucker fish

2005-06-15T18:42:00.000-05:00

everytime i think my life could not get weirder, it does.

not that its exciting, adventurous or intense, this life of mine. its not. i am in some kind of 'beyond-boring' 'oddity-riffled' phase. lacking in drama, but only because i hide from drama. i have become an escape artist. also known as a coward. a recluse. monastic. pathetic? no, simply focused. over a year ago i made this plan, and i am sticking to it god dammit. i refuse to live a life of complacent digression. i will finish what i have started here and if i have to die to do it then i fucking will.

either way, things just dont get easier, dont fall simple. life does not elucidate itself. every month or so strange things start happening and i say to myself, dont sit back and watch this happen, dont be an observer. these are the days of your minute life so enjoy them! and still, the days go by and the nights all feel the same. i am gratefull for the weird random things, they keep my involvment on this plain quite passionate, filled with friends and aquaintances, baffling and so frilling deranged. so i am glad to be alive.

the oddity of the month, june 2005, was love. well, some warped form of it.

shes pretty much the most intelligent and interesting woman i have met in life yet. she keeps me on my toes when we talk, keeps me guessing and wanting more. i think i am just getting over a knee ripping gut splitting testicle collapsing mind jerking chest caving crush on her. the whole ordeal felt fantastic, though it was close to unbearable.

this silly manchild me thinks: o...k.. im going for a four hour walk now because just being in the same room as you makes my brain turn off and my night lights blink sporatically and convinces my spine to twist and writhe and crawl up into my bladder to grind away into powder. happily.

she makes me stutter like a cartoon character, hold my breath because i forget to breathe. i pace, i trip, i fall over my tongue and the damn thing strangles me. so i smile to play it off because i know; this is not me. i cannot help but misrepresent myself around her, hell i can barely hold still let alone making meaningful conversation. i turn into a polish clown on meth.

only i cant actually smile at her. do you know what thats like? to be bombarded constantly by pictures of people with perfect teeth, straight teeth, shiny white fucking teeth? its everywhere, i dont even feel human anymore, i feel like some kind of freak. not to mention that philosophy and realism teaches me that apperances dont matter, and i dig. yet we are surrounded by commercials and billboards and perfect hollywood teeth. and she has very nice teeth too.

so i dont smile, i nod and grin. and she doesnt smoke so im super aware of it; i feel naked and foolish when i smoke around her. shoot, i feel foolish all the time, but definately naked all the time around her. and i know smoking is fucking sick and twisted but my skeletal body screams NICOTINE NOW OR WE GO ON STRIKE! , but im working on it, blastitall.

and the way she smiles at me. so inviting. so misleading. i wonder if everyone who is warm and empathetic and caring gets misread as being seductive. she could seduce the Buddah. or a Eunach.

it is so strange to finally have a crush on someone who has their head in the 'here and now' and feet up in the clouds. shes a total DIY goddess. what does a dork like me say to a goddess? listens to classical music, loves punk, lives anarchy, sweats sex, glows with internal awareness and speaks with dedication, clarity and focus and direction. WAY out of my 'league', whatever that is or means. as in, more mature than what i usually lower my standards to engage with. more intense than i allow myself to connect with. she had me hooked like a schoolboy.

it feels great to even be around her. i am glad to have met a woman my age who also seeks enlightenment instead of conformity. this is weird i know, but she is the first female peer i have met, ever, who seeks something outside the norm. most women who i think are a little bit 'like me' or 'one of us seekers' are fucking jerks who i cant stand to be in the same room with.

she gives me proof that womankind has not given up. proof that there are still females who are thinkers and philosophers, punks and gweeps. proof that women too want light more than breeding and money and violence. that we boys are not alone in our stuggle, fated with endless tails of horrible relationships gone suicidal because we boys keep fucking morons, mother figures, bimbo barbie dolls and evil sudductreeses. that there is an alternative for my kind.

do you have any idea how long i have looked for that proof?

it changes EVERYTHING!

i wish i was queer, things would be so much less confusing.

miss my guitar, teeth

2005-06-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

i dont want to go home. vacation rules. i do miss my guitar though.

it is sort of odd, but i have been 'working' on my voice lately. its not important to me to sound great, but it is all important not to sound like crud. adam and i are looking for a base player, and even if we dont find one, i am doing to start doing solo stuff. i want to play mature songs, with fantastic and cerebral lyrics, with an interesting voice, one i can be proud if. these fucking teeth, i swear i could make babies cry with em, they make my s's ring aweful and my p's pop like a baloon. so i have to work around them. i often wonder, what will i do when they pull all my teeth out (or the snap the fuck off at the roots)? will i even be able to perform? but, there is no future, just right now. i will deal with that when it happens.

i sometimes wonder why it seems like i am the only person in this whole city with broken hollow teeth. not like people could hide em if they had em too. i look. i cant help but look. i am facinated with the way other people can smile with their teeth sticking out. you know people with HUGE teeth or those ones that stick out?

this is absurd, but... i cant stand them. its like, i HAVE to look at their teeth because they dont put them away. the teeth are in my face. hey, im just trying to talk here, not get eaten by beavers. well, maybe swallowed. but surley not eaten.

not to mention, good teeth wouldnt change anything. i would probably just be a slut. not that i couldnt be a slut now, all the retarded women i turn down, unbeleiveable. the way codependant and addicted or molested or just plain ole fuckin nutz chick gravitate to me, youd think i was a trucker. yes, it is beyond better like this. its like having 'bitches begone' spray. i just flash a quick open lip smile, like it wasnt on purpose. then do the 'limp wrist' thing once or twice. then i say 'well, life aint nothin but bitches and money'. or something to that effect.

with that many mixed signals, i usually make em all uncomfortable enough to cry. then i walk away. got no time for debutaunts and goldiggers and pathetic materialists. fuck, most of the people i have ever met, though i love them all, they can suck one off because i just dont give a fuck what they want or think. pricks, the lot of em.

a fool learns more from a wise man than a wise man learns from a fool.
and thats just about nothing, so me and my corroded fuckeing british pig-dog teeth turn away and walk on by. still, i wonder about it a lot.

if my voice ever gets to a point where i cant sing, and im already close enough to that, shit, always have been, but so bad that i cant at all sound good, ill break something, someone, myself or ill fucking go on a dentist killing spree. become a terrorist, blow up the 7 wonders of the world. yes, ok, youre god damn right im angry. im angry and insatiable. so shut your mouth, im tired of looking at all your stupid fucking teeth.

even here in hick central poe duck fucking north michigan, everyone has lots of good teeth, basterds. oh yea, i was talking about singing, guitar and such. i have been working on my voice, and i question if i am good enough to do what i want to do. you cant fake it forever you know, and i wonder.

either way, things change and ill figure something out. thats the way of things.
more later. peace, and out.

nothing

2005-06-13T12:07:00.000-05:00

???

listening to: floater

2005-06-12T02:33:00.000-05:00

FLOATER
angels in the flesh and devils in the bone

Angels in the Flesh and Devils
in the Bone

May 1998

Floater deliver their most immense and
ambitious album yet, following their
enormously successful record, Glyph.

Angels... is a conceptual album that explores a personal saga through
the superb storytelling of singer/bass player Robert Wynia's lyrics,
hypnotic vocals, and the band's bruising and primal rhythms.

"Floater's third album finds them exploring their tripped-out, layered instrumentation they do so startlingly well, while moving even
further into mesmerizing, melodic storytelling." —
(Buzz Weekly)

Tracks:
1. Endless I
2. The Watching Song
3. American Theatric
4. The Feast
5. The Beast
6. Minister
7. Medicine Woman
8. Nothing
9. Mexican Bus
10. The Invitation
11. Golden Head
12. Settling
13. The Last Time
14. Our Hero's Resolve
15. Mosquito
16. The Possum's Funeral
17. Endless II

Endless I:
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is probably the best band ive ever come across. they embrace all genres from jazz to punk. some songs sound like metal with a reggae feel. others remind me of tool mixed with pink floyd. they are experimental, outgoing and beautiful.

a local band from Seatle, Floaters new album Acoustics came out in august 2004. it is their 6th LP and receiving great reviews. these guys will 'breakthrough' sometime soon. if not, better music for all of us. underground rules.

used to be women

2005-06-12T00:47:00.000-05:00

went to a place that used to be our cacuss. another member of my old circle walke dby and i said hey d, how are you? and he just kept on walking.

at first i thought how fucked up a person msut be to ignore friends to their face just to get some sort of reaction, to feel superiour. people can be pricks.

then i thought i should walk in there and punch him in the stomach as hard as i can and scream, i said HELLO! I FUCKING EXIST YOU FUCKING JERK! and walk away.

then i thought, why does this upset me? he will soon die and i will be long dead soon enough. these things dont matter. dont let this bogus american society and its coporate programming control and mislead my emotions. dont let them have a part of me, just let it all go.

then i thought, what do i want? i want integrity. if i did punch that guy, it would have the opposite effect. i have been taught wrong, by all sources. violence is not the appropriate response to challenge, to pain, to anger or even violence.

then i thought, how do i learn from this, how do i keep my integrity in this specific situation? by letting shit like this go. damn, i want to be chilled, i want to be a man who doesnt let unimportant things bother him. so i start with little worthless asnine shit like this. no one can take my worth away, not even a little.

of course these thoughts happened all in about 7 seconds. anger only lasts ~3 seconds. so what did i do? i got more coffee and hung out with my friends, shit, who cares.

later i thought, i feel kind of sorry for d, he seems like he doesnt have any friends, like its hard for him to make them. i can relate. i never thought about it before, but he seems quite sad, like his mom died and he never got over it.

i feel that i in a way, i have grown this year, as a man. you can argue about men and women, about gender identities and roles and such. but i am a human, and i am a male human. there are outside things and ideas that define me and things i define myself with.

my role as a man is to provide and protect everyone in my family, in my community, and in my life.

the only differance for womens roles is that they provide and protect all the same things that men do, AND they bear children. talk about strength, women are made of fucking rock. i dont wanna spit something like that out of me. but you know, we all started out as chicks. :P

el raton moche meal!

2005-06-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

wrote in my journal all week, still need to type it here though. i am lazy :P

listening to: sponge

2005-06-11T02:34:00.000-05:00

SPONGE
rotting pinata

Rotting Pinata

August 1994

What are you looking for with this disc? A masterpiece, the second coming of Nirvana or Pearl Jam? Then look elsewhere. But if you're looking for a bit of good, clean, post-grunge power pop, in the same vein as Live's Throwing Copper or Bush's Sixteen Stone, only a bit lighter (I can almost hear the sounds of some old Simple Minds in some of their numbers) then look no further.

Most likely, anyone reading this review wound up on Sponge's page because of the song "Plowed," their big hit. Well guess what? It's still a great song. But it's not alone on this disc -- in fact it's surrounded by two other great numbers: "Miles" and "Drownin'." Other good tracks include the title track, "Pennywheels," and the final track, "Rainin'."

Sponge never set the world on fire, and based on this album there's good reason for that. But if you're a fan of late 90s guitar rock, you could do much much worse than to add this album to your collection
(amazon.com)

Tracks:

1. Pennywheels
2. Rotting Pinata
3. Giants
4. Neenah Menasha
5. Miles
6. Plowed
7. Drownin'
8. Molly
9. Fields
10. Rainin'
11. Unknown

Plowed:
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

short description of why i like this band

vacation!

2005-06-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

i am going on vacation! i am going 'up north' to visit my brothers and mom.
(down south, out west, back east... FUCK TV!)

back in a while, peace.

-c

i dunno

2005-06-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

this is where my story about aunt deb goes. lol.

by candle light

2005-06-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

i wrote a letter about reality and why i should not kill myself. i should type it here.

si, la verdad

2005-06-04T04:44:00.000-05:00

how often is heard inside this frilling mind: i am completely alone in all the universe.

even with positive self talk and realistic analysations;
i find this to be relevant, reacurring, and omni-present in my daily happenings. of course it becomes (or... i make it) more pronounced when chasing the damn boulder downhill than when pushing it back up. depressive phases bring out the more colorful expressions of the verb 'to exist'.

when balanced, and taking an honest and serious look at what if is i feel and think, things are easier to seperate into their form, purpose and meaning. peotry lends itself to conclusion no more, and blunt, (and quite poignant) observations can be exhumed. i sort them on my desktop and look at tasteless statements such as
"i am completely alone in all the universe" and say aloud: this is true. if a thing is true then it must be so for if not it would not be true.

if a thing has pained thee, cast away opinion. now feel no pain.

it is sometimes good to be alone. and... it is a warning sign. i must connect or surley i will perish, none too untimely.

guidelines

2005-06-04T04:37:00.000-05:00

lately i have been researching on the Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy site at www.h2g2.com. like answers.com and wikipedia.com there are many, many entries covering just about everything under the sun.

adam has a beautiful version of the Tao-te Ching with pictures and chinese scripts (i think they call it kangi at least in tatoos). i have been reading the Tao on the internet classics archive and it reminds me a lot of meditations by marcus aurelius.

there was a line in the Tao that said ~ "there is nothing new under the sun". marcus said also, "whatever is done has been done before and will be done again." he also said "how foolish and absurd is he, who is surprised at anything that happens in life!"

a co-worker, clerance, was fired recently for atempting to "bait" a client into a physical altercation. before he was fired clerance lent me a bootleg copy of the new Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy movie. it was a good movie.

CMT part 1 - Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease letter to a doctor

2005-06-03T02:39:00.000-05:00

I wrote this to a proffesional CMT doctor today:

My mother and her mother, along with her two sisters and brother were diagnosed a long time ago with CMT. I am not familiar with the details or the type, being in my early 20s it never seemed important to me. The disease was far away from me in time and now space as I dont contact them much anymore.

I haphazardly ran into this website, decided to do research on CMT. There are so many forms and such that I am baffled and somewhat scaired. A few questions have popped up, but its hard to sift through the internet for correct answers.

Could CMT be the reason I wake up and cant move my arms for a couple mintues? Its not every day, but enough in the past couple years that Ive noticed. Sometimes I lay there or wiggle to my feet. Its hard to explain to friends and girlfriends too.

Is CMT why my legs and feet fall asleep if I rest them crossed for a minute or so? Sometimes its so painful when they 'wake up'.

Are ganglion cysts related to CMT? Ive had two major ones removed by surgury in the past.

What about 'sprained' or very, VERY weak wrists? I cant do pullups or pushups anymore, it hurts and then I cant use my wrists for like a week. It drives me completely crazy in pain.

Is CMT linked to bone or tooth decay? It seems many people in my mothers family, including my sister and 2 younger brothers and I have early bone and tooth decay. Weve all attended dentists and such, mine said there was nothing they could do because they didnt understand the constant degeneration of the bone. Caps, fillings and such dont help at all. MY sister has mentioned the same problem.

I cant run without looking stupid. My youngest brother cannot stop when running; he falls down if he trys to suddenly. We all have pronounced slouches, sometimes it seems my neck is like a giraffes. Ive tryed to learn to stand straight; to no avail. It doesnt bend upward no matter how much I pull back and try to stand tall. Why?

MY mother has leg braces now, but only because she smokes 3 packs a day so here wieght stay frieghteningly low. My aunts both gained weight out of control and are in wheelchairs now. Why do none of their legs work? Will this happen to my siblings and I?

Also, many of us suffer from chronic bronchitis, or asthma. I get phneumonia every year and we all have null for immune systems. We all were glasses too. How much of this babble is CMT related and how much just genetic luck?

Are CMT diagnosed people at high risk for cancer, or spinal injurys? Oh, and is it related to 'the shakes'? My family members say that sometimes. Our little inside joke is that it means you have to urinate- your whole body shivers for about 2 seconds uncontrollably but just slightly. Facial twitches during the largest ones, once or twice a year.

I noticed a while back that when I had one people would give me funny looks. I would say, you know, the 'piss shivers', but they would stare as if I was crazy. If CMT causes that, maybe Im not so nuts after all. To be honest I always though my mother was making it up to hide alcoholism.

Is CMT related to bipolar dissorder or chemical imbalances of the brain?

I know these are common things, or at least I thought they were, but maybe CMT has been playing a role in my familys life for a long while. I wish my generation would have been a bit more prepared and informed than our parents on the matter. Are there cures, medications, treatments? What type of things are being researched and will they happen in my life time?

My family is not rich, we cannot afford to see specialists. My mother was lucky to find discount leg braces. Most of the time she refuses to wear them and stumbles everywhere. As a child I always thought she was drunk, its kinda sad like that. My friends say they though so too.

Curiously,

Christopher Winters

CMT part 2 - Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease info

2005-06-03T02:38:00.000-05:00

Charcot-Marie-Tooth (CMT) is the most common inherited genetic neuromuscular disease that affects the peripheral nerves. There are approximately 150,000 known cases of CMT in the United States, although it is believed that CMT is often misdiagnosed as other neurological conditions. Experts estimate that some 300,000 actually have the disease.

CMT is usually characterized by the slow degeneration of muscles of the feet, lower legs, hands, and forearms. CMT can vary significantly from mild symptoms to severe deformities. Common signs of the disease may include abnormally high arched feet, flat feet, and hammer toes, which usually result in awkward gait and balance, and poor hand coordination. Over time, CMT can progress to extreme weakness, atrophy, and loss of sensation of these muscles.

Symptoms of CMT are typically noticed in childhood or early adulthood, but CMT can manifest at any life stage. Although there is no cure or specific treatment for CMT, the disease usually is not fatal, and it does not affect life span or intellectual ability. In the most extreme cases, breathing difficulties due to CMT can hasten death. To minimize discomfort, treatment may include physical therapy, foot care, such as customized shoes or braces, and surgery.

CMT is most often diagnosed with an electromyogram (EMG), or motor nerve conduction velocity (MNCV) tests. These procedures can detect abnormal muscle activity by recording the ability of nerves to send and receive electrical impulses. For more information about these tests go to

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?li=MNI&ArticleKey=10556
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?li=MNI&ArticleKey=19544

on anger

2005-06-02T02:25:00.000-05:00

though anger has fueled my flight from abyss, and burned within to break me loose from the thick gravity of mortal strife, i find it needless nestalgic baggage when drifting through the freedom of open space.

a hinderance, lacking the momentum of peace and the intengrity of truth; for unity is found first in acceptance, soon in embrace, and ultimately in understanding. time and thought make all things intimate and all things eternal.

to live is to love, and to live is to change; therefore to love change, is to truly be alive.

rock and roll!

2005-05-31T02:26:00.000-05:00

tagline from some message board
---

Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.

with brandon

2005-05-29T04:47:00.000-05:00

these ideas that he would "get somewhere" someday, and never did because he
didn't appreciate just being where / when / what / why / how he was,
whenever -

everything was not-quite-right for him most of the time.

this hit home pretty hard b, ouch. the last statement is especially, i mean 100$ dead on straight to the heart of the matter everything that i ever wanted to scream about what goes on in me and why i feel so fucking sick inside and wonderful at the same time every hour every god damned day.

---

i love it when you write me long letters. its like we actually talk instead of walking by and waving. by the time you make it back here i will be long gone from here. so soon we will be memories, and so soon not even those.

to the day we meet again my friend, with fleetwood mugs and cigs and tunes and all our people.

the higher in the sky you fly
the smaller you look to those still on the ground
and birds of a feather they may flock together
but a crow'll pick yer bones clean dry just to get down

to the marrow
to the heart of the matter
and tomorrow
and yesturday dont matter

and if you borrow
give back everything with change
and all your sorrow
wont up to pocket change

not enough to spend
a day with a friend

such a damn exhibitionist

2005-05-27T10:06:00.000-05:00

hey,

i should just send a link to my website to everyone i know, they could read my stupid journal and i would never have to write emails anymore, it would be their choice to write back, ha. (not you i dont mean that, i mean, im writing to you know arent i?) blah whatever just saying that i wish people knew me a little better and/or i would fucking chose to connect with someone. how picky i have become, it shall be my downfall if i change it not. better to live one single moment (ha, this one, duh zen, boot to my head) alive and connected than a trillion eons empty and alone. ~~:!

my phone was stolen by my ex-bass player finch who was selling fake acid all over town. its a long story. adam used it as an excuse to turn all mucho macho agro fagro gyro hero victim. i stayed calm throughout but ran out of viable options. finch stole from everybody, has been for a while. we had a wonderful band meeting and a week later on the day we lost our practice space, no big deal, but thats when finch got found-out. i think the whole ordeal broke Julie's heart.

but other than that it was a good month. im back on top of bills. the gov. of the us took all my $1500 and slipped it to a collection agency to pay my student loans without telling me till now. but i got my state tax back and with this AWESOME new property tax thingy you get reimbursed for your landlords prop taxes, so i got back way, way more than i payed into it. bout 800 in all from state for 2 years. i only payed about 120. s:Pit on them, ha. so im doing real well.

still not sure what to do as far as the fall. but that whole 'my generation dont look to the future' bullshit is too fanciful for me. i know that i must plan for the things i want and make changes and enact them and planning is what is saving me from suicide. so in the fall i either wanna finish college at WSCC or move to NY or SanDiego. if that happens, wow i would definately visit you.

but then again i want some teeth in my old age so imagonna keep this job till then. dunno how long surgery (sugar, sugary, surgery... hmmm...) would take or even what my options are. ill find out in a few weeks, i am pretty scaired about that, but, take it in stride.

so gimme gimme your phone numbers all over again, pleeeze. i had a great few days, felt like i was myself who i realy was for a while. then today i felt all distanced and like shit inside, hate that feeling but move on ya know?

i felt a great disturbance in the force this morning. no tv, no net cept at work and no phone, there was nothing on the news, but im telling you, HUGE disturbance in the force. i stood in the middle of the street on main and huron in ann arbor looking at town this morning, on my way to the bus stop after work, and it hit me, hard.

it was dark, camoflagued and definately not good. i said aloud, 'may 27, 2005, a day that will go down in the history of mankind, never to be forgotton.' the fools are strong and today they have fucked up hardcore. i felt that when i woke things would somehow be so different, a new world.

ever think how different things could be if something happened when you went to bed, in only 8 hours. aliens could kill everyone. nukes could ruin our planet. the electricity could go out permanently, the draft could start an american revolt. riots in the streets. planes could crash, buildings fall everywhere.

the moon could leave and the earth could go into the sun, or the void. the sun could go red giant. life could flourish on IO for the first time. a black hole could form and set the biggest change of the physical space/time realm into motion. some foolish human scientist could do it.

my mom could die. i could get lung cancer. you could spontaniously combust. loves will be lost and friends found at comforts cost. hope will not save anyone. only a childs heart would bring warmth. everything we know could and does change in 8 hours of sleep. we get plugged into the matrix and wake up unknowing. we die.

peasent revolt.
moneky revolt.
chlorophil revolt.
mitochondria revolt.
virus revolt.
graviton revolt.

DOLPHIN REVOLT!!!!

but either its in my imagination or its real, never know, maybe both. i am no 'precog' (ha, total bs), but i often wonder about things like that. like yes, thoughts reside in the brain, but the mind does not exist anywhere on this plane of existance. is it connected or are we in skull boxes? and where are the rest of the milky wayans? are we that repulsuive, they dont like us? i doubt it. far across the galaxy, there must be others. but they would be just as confused and lost as we are. we have only each other, and only have those now. bleach killed the gods, but AI could get photons to fuck positrons and that might make new rules, new gods and godholes.

stay strong my friend, and no i did not go see the new star wars movie, of course not, jesus, it was doemstic violence portreyed as religious fervor, i cant co-sign that hogslop. fuck superstition, but still, i know that this morning i felt something terrible.

now i have to do my best to figure out what it was, or at least find a method to combat it, ney, pacify it, no, negate it? nope. there must be, something to do, outshine it? blah, to be the warmth in the void ocean of emptiness. to blow in a world of suck. to be alive is to conqure over death. yet, to die without creating and enjoying other life, is to surrender.

we are one, on we dream and love unscathed by our struggles.

peace, now.
-c

big fish

2005-05-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

i watched a movie that made me cry for an hour tonight. a lot of things went to hell today, i lost a few people in my life i thought were friends. so i figured i would just sit down and relax and watch a movie by myself. i ended up reliving bullshit from my childhood through this fucking movie, but still, it felt good to let go.

this movie is called Big Fish (IMDb site). It was a twisted visual dream and a surreal roadtrip into an imagination. it was sort-of about storytelling, father-son relationships, and what it means when someone says 'how you spend your life'.

i recommend this to everybody, it is probably rated pg for language and shit. my 'loaf of soup' from pizza house just arrived though, so theres some creamy broccoli and cheese hiding warm from me deep inside a fresh sourdough ball. gotta run, eat, whatever. l8r.

amazon.com: Big Fish DVD
sony pictures site for Big Fish

some pictures :)

chamelion turds?

2005-05-26T12:13:00.000-05:00

dear adam,

you are a hypocrite. you preach non-violence, but the first time something affects you in a negative way you scream about hurting people. you talk of rising above materialism but over some stupid little purple bag, that doesnt even belong to you, you threaten someone, insult them, harm their feelings, and obviously take joy from thier pain.

you make yourself look like the hero for catching a thief and simultaineously play the victim. you come to my house to bitch and complain and yell at me about things you are mad at other people for. you live in the past and i do not want to here your bullshit any longer. find some other emotional crutch and punchingbag, go away.

you rose to the occasion and you showed who you truly are, an asshole.

get a haircut...

2005-05-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

dear finch,

i know you stole my dvds and playstation games. i beleive you stole my phone as well. while i do not think anything is 'right' or 'wrong', i have a core belief that says i cannot be vunerable or used because then i am worthless. this belief serves to isolate me from those who care about me, but also protects me from situations where my beleifs are in opposition with each other.

for example, friends stand by each other, but my friends are stealing from me. i was not sure how to handle this parodox for many years.

material objects do not matter, nothing has been lost but trust and respect. unfortunatley, trust and respect are the foundation of a friendship. to continue along this path without a foundation, in the face of such red-flags is foolish.

though i have made myself vunerable to you for the sake of friendship, have welcomed you into my home and circle of friends, i will not be used and stolen from. i cannot control whether you lie to me or disrespect me, but you have outstayed your welcome and violated me. i will not continue playing music with you or spending time with you at all.

you are a great guitarist, many things await you. it was good being your friend and i look forward to seeing the man you become when you decide to grow the fuck up and stop lieing to people who care about you.

i think in time you will learn many things, life is moving very slow at your age. if you take your time, you will get where you are going and feel good for being there.
may you evolve and find what you seek, i wish for you what you wish for yourself, remember you are free to choose differently than you have today.

people really will stand by you if you stop decieving them. be careful though, a theif is never welcome anywhere. stop while you still can, and you might not get killed for it. continue and you risk spending a whole life as a petty theif with nothing to show for it but stumps where your fingers used to be. be thankful you dont live in afgansistan, they woulda cut yer hands off man.

please dont think i hate you or despise you, it isnt like that. i wont hurt you if you come to town or try to 'get you back'. i am too old do deal with your issues, and you are too young to listen to me lecture on about them. its been real brother, but its over now. BTW, you are a great fucking cook, get a job.

peace always,

-christopher

i am the ass of the cat

2005-05-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Father,

my core beleif came from you:
i am worthless.

i am sorry i betrayed you.
from this i learned that i was a dishonest lier
who does not stand up for what he beleives and who he loves.
from you i learned that i was worthless because
i lacked integrity.

fuck you for leaving me
with that vile drunked monster of a woman.
from this i learned how weak and stupid and dependant i was.
from you i learned that i was worthless because
i am vunerable.

without you i would never have spent years
wandering and drifting and learning and evolving
to find truth and honesty in myself.

without you i would never have spent years
beleiveing that everyone who loves me will
hurt me and leave me and lie to me and use me.

every dream i have chased, every person i have helped or loved,
every hope every fear every lie and every aweful 40 hour week,
all the wonderful places i have lived and
the hundreds of angry songs i write,
every tattoo every bloody piercing,
every primal scream and every peaceful meditation,
every fuck every spit every graveyard shift,
every empty minute of every god damned hour of
every
bitter
brazen
beautiful
fucking
day
for the last 18 years of my life,
and every moment for all the rest of them,

everything i do
is to
proove you wrong.

sisters

2005-05-22T02:27:00.000-05:00

this is a long fucking post.

dear Brother,

i was thinking yesturday about why Elizabeth and I hated each other so much growing up, and i realized something important. a lot had to do with the way she lied to get me in trouble, grounded or beat the fuck up, and was so purposly annoying that it would be more acurate to call it terrorizing. she could literally drive people insane, shit i thought mike would kill her, literally. i used to think about doing it, i even would tell my friends and we would talk about ways to do it.

one day when i was older, actually you might remember the weekend. it was my 16th birthday and we were at 'crissys cabins' down the road from chris bordens parents house in wallhalla. i had just bought my first electric guitar and had it there with me to show my girlfriend.

a friend said to me that weekend when i was freaking out because elizabeth was fucking with my mind, why dont you forget about her and just run away? and i thought, wow, i CAN just leave anytime, fuck this place. it was only a few more weeks before i left home.

so anyways i realized yesturday that one of the fundamental things that kept us at each others throats was an unspoken thing. ive mentioned it to you before, and now it makes even more sense to me.

Mom used to get Elizabeth and I to make up these bullshit stories about my real father. not like she said, make up a story, it was more manipulative than that. in my classes they call it 'coersion.' it means getting people to do things they dont want to by subtle mental and physical control, in a way you can say you didnt do and then you can point the finger at the person you made do it.

Mom would get real mad when Liz and i came back from our 'every other weekend' with our real dad if we said we had fun and like being with him. she would punish us by ignoring and not speaking at all, like we did something wrong. or yell at us or send us to bed early or whatever, lots of shit, i was only ~8 maybe 9 so its hard to remember details. and Mom would make us feel like we were hurting 'dads' feelings, meaning your dad David. She would subtly convince us we had done something wrong by likeing our dad.

Liz was so young that she will probably never remember what im talking about, she wasnt old enough for her cognitive and anylitical abilities to work fully, and plus she wouldnt have as concrete memories from her age. I can remember whole conversations, at least 20 different occasions, even looks on Moms face or what day it was. I remember a lot now that i try to.

then after our brains were confused, Mom would take the next step in Coersion- 'implanting' its also called 'training'. this is where after you break the person down emotionally, you offer then a 'solution', a way to avoid the pain again. Of course you can use anything, (like dogs jumping through hoops for treats, or not pissing on carpet to not get beat.") but abusiv eparents use implanting to show the kids how the parent wants them to act instead.

so she would talk about our dad and how awful he was and how he beat her all the time and how mean he is to only see us twice a month and how if he cared he would pay child support and how he missed this or that important thing in our lives.

then she would say how great David is and he would be there for us, yea fucking right, and how we should thank him and be gratefull and all this hogwash. then we go to bed and they, yes they go to the bar and get all piss drunk.

so we learned that to please Diane and not 'hurt Daves feelings' all we had to do is make up fucking stories about how aweful it was with our dad. it was were i learned to manipulate people, from my Mom, for my Mom. i was her bitch.

my real dad left finally, he was tired of the shit, like chasing us down every time Mom and Dave moved and getting in arguments for things that didnt happen and then fucked with for half his worthless paychecks, and being turned on by his mutanous easily manipulated children, and after my birthday i never saw him again.

Being so young, after a few years of him not being around, the stories all became like myths and no one could tell truth from fantasy. Once i had a great time with my dad on Easter. i loved being with him, it was way better than with drunken careless diane and dave. he talked to me, taught me things. he showed me better instead of punishing me. Diane was drunk when i got home and when i said i had a good time she slapped me. she said you are lying you had an aweful time, and send me to my room. she said i couldnt come out unitl i told her what really happened. so i made up some stupid story that was so fucking unbeleivable, only an idot would beleive it. i was sick like that, always proving people were idots. hint: they are.

Elizabether swears the shit happened. cant let it go. my Mom swears it happened even though i say over and over it didnt. Its like, I proved that yes, they are fucking morons. but im the butt of the joke because i cant prove it didnt happen when the retards beleive in it. and this whole thing, happened over and over about many stories. Mom used them to help get full custody.

NOT TO MENTION when i was in 6th grade they convinced me to change my name with the threats that my old dad would find me and hurt me unless i changed my name. I never wanted to change my name, i wanted my dad back. but yet again, if i didnt say what they wanted, i got ignored or punished. i fucking hate them all still at times. i mean, im over it, but i harbor a lot of resentments when im depressed every now and then.

i was so confused all the time over what to do or say back then, i often hurt my real dads feelings to get what i wanted. i was a selfish scared little shit who felt like a lier and worthless. mostly because Mom made me a traitor to the only person who really treated me with respect. i always felt worthless.

so now i am old enough to pick apart the bullshit and figure it all out and i know my father is a good man who screwed up a lot. he lived just like me, only got his girlfriends pregnant. ya know, i have a 14 year old sister named Rebecca who i havent seen since she was 1 and a 34 year old brother who used to live in Fountain, Mi. and a father who wasnt there.

here smy point, the thing i realized. Because Elizabeth was so young, she beleived not only the stories, she REMEMBERS them as if they were real, its so stupid, i hate her for it. hate is the word i am using because i think i have figured this out: the reason we always fought and tried to kill each other was that i wanted her to acknowledge that our father was a good man, our blood, and she wanted me to forget him and embrace david as father the way she did. she had to, he was all she actually remembered and all she knew of my dad was fake memories my Mother implanted there.

without those bogus stories to help her accept David as a real father, she would be a basterd orphan whos real father left her because she was fucking worthless, lieing, vunerable and weak. And she could never be loved by anyone because she would know that everyone who loves you leaves because you are worthless and so are they and there is no god no love and no anything worth a shit in all this world.

Elizabeth and I had to fight, we had to because she was fighting to grow a heart in the face of my disturbing truths, while i was fighting to avenge the rape of mine.

I wanted to destroy Mom by getting Liz into my paradigm about our father. I needed backup because i was weak and worthless when up against Diane, she always defeated me, always was right, always won and took everything i loved away form me. She may have well as killed my father, considering what this all did to me then.

So i meander through life knowing i helped push my father away and that all Liz will ever know is a bunch of stupid stories about a dad she will never know was so cool.

I want to scream, YOU FUCKER! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! and stab him a thousand times. and then I will scream IM SORRY! I DIDNT WANT TO LIE ABOUT YOU BUT SHE MADE ME! I LOVED YOU! only im still that little boy, too weak and worthless even to call him after 18 years.

well fuck, that was a downer.

godshoes

2005-05-19T23:34:00.000-05:00

silence is not serenity.

i got this stupid fucking idea.

im gonna write this retarded journal as if
i were talking to my real dad.

like hes dead and living on the internet.

and then when i read it back years later
i will get pissed off enough to carry on with life
or spooked out enough to hide in a bottle.

either way all the deadbeat dads on the internet win!

uck the system!

2005-05-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

this afternoon my life got all kinds of fuct with.

recently i filed my taxes for 02, 03 and 04, all together. the money was going to go into a minivan for the band and the rest for college tuition in august.

only, i recieved this letter from the federal government of the united states today. the letter said that i had outstanding debts, and that they, the government, had taken the liberty of using my income taxe refunds to pay off those debts for me. they were just doing their governmental thing, helping out the poor. it gave no more infomation about who i owed this money to, but there was a number to call...

so i called the number and found that it was my old student loans. my bad, but when did they get the power to do that? was i sleeping in class that day? i was probably just stoned. so heres the deal:

instead of me buying a vehicle and going to college to get a degree and a better job and pay off my student loans whilst also creating a better life for myself and for all the people i could have helped with said better life, my student loans have been payed off, poof! no more debt. poof! no more car, no more college in august.

at least thats what was going through my mind all day. i sat around lamenting (bitching) about all this. i was expecting that money, it was like $2000, plus some. my whole THIS YEARS PLAN (tm) revolved around that extra money. they fuct me.

eff yue sea fuckin teed me.

so instead of pointing my broke ass fingers at them, i point em at me. yea, i dropped out of college and racked up a hell of bill doing it and should not expect the world to help me out now that i finally decided to be one of 'the good guys'.

even so, fuck the man and fuck his taxes. i will stretch every dollar pinch every penny and stop on every dime. bag.

and when august comes ill sing fuck the system! fuck the system! all the way to the bank and i will go to college without their fucking oily blood money. you know, people always say, it doesnt come easy, well it doesnt. it means not drinking and not partying and not going to the movies or driving a nice car or even having a phone sometimes. it means being hungry so much you get used to it and look emaciated, it means smoking rollies and sippin water at the bar. it means riding the bus and reading books instead of having fun. it means hard hard work, sweat and practice and study and then, if you did it all and busted ass enough,

you get what you wanted. peace.

birdswater

2005-05-17T01:28:00.000-05:00

watched this movie, 'what the bleep do we know?' with adam. the actress who 'stars' in it is that cool ass gorgeous deaf woman. the movie is all about physics and math ruling reality while perception and ideas create experience. i think. they also touched on the 'observer' theory; the movie had many philosophical implications.

anyway, i wrote this because most people would never hear of the flick (still wont lol) and i liked it a lot. there was this part, unbeleivably psuedo mystic-scientific and dogshit, but still interesting after i thought about it a while.

they said this scientist put water in bottles and labeled them with kanji (sp?) symbols for different things, such as love, friendship, trust, and 'i hate you i am going to kill you'. then left the bottles overnight and in th emorning took pictures of the wate rmolecules utilizing 'dark spectromeny' of some shit like that.

each picture of the different bottles was different, and symbolized the idea that was on the bottle. then they say, if thoughts can do that to water, imagine what they can do to us... we are 80 percent made of water.

i thought we were made of wormfood and stardust. now 'science' comes along and proves me wrong. still... it was a great movie. its called something like: "what the bleep do we know?" it is writen in mathmatical formulae and symbols, so the title looks odd, it would stand out on a video store shelf.

long tongue

2005-05-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking all day of taking a vow of silence, for 30 days or such.

i think too much and i think i talk too much. i try to talk everything on my mind out all at once. my friends put up with it, but... most conversations with me are inconsistant and disjointed. meaning broken and without continuity, not meaning without and/or demeaning to marijuana.

mike told me the other night, he said, "its 522 am on monday morning, im tired and sober. spare me the fucking monologue." so i laughed. it was funny.
i was funny, and noticed that i honestly was just talking to him, to talk thoughts out loud instead of booming inside and to feel a little less alone in this cell of a mind. my own fucking AT-field. so i laughed and i said "sorry man, guess i just need a wall to talk to." and went to bed.

but when i woke up i did not think what he said was so funny. yup, my unbreakable feelers were bent. it happens though, when you think and talk too much. you overwhelm or annoy people, and they respond with something less important than what you were trying to share with them, they respond with insult. sometimes it hurts when people shut you down. que es la vida. verdad.

damn. imagine the kind of chaos you would run into planning a thing like a vow of silence. probably wouldnt be able to maintain the vow at work because it would really freak out the clients. shit, i still cannot beleive i petitioned to have someone institutionalized yesturday morning. can i expres how fuct that is? good job my polish ass. i feel like, like i had no right. i know some things must be done, but who decides? there is a sharp razor line seperating power and control tactics from helpful involvment.

i probably just feel like shit because i broke my own rules about not getting creating negativiy. that is usually easy but sometimes it demands a lack of accountability, a retroactive judgement that i dont want to use.

nevermind im talking too much again. sweet dreams.

nom de plumes

2005-05-14T02:08:00.000-05:00

adam changed his name and requested to be called by the new one. its not actually new because he took it 2 summer ago went he took his buddhist vows. his given name is kung-sa, it means scholar of emptiness. i think people will respond negatively to ithe change though, especcially witht he surrent state of american anti-world common opinion. fuck them though.

some people would think thats weird but if you live on the streets of in a shelter, and i do both on and off, you know that people find strength in taking their own names, its like getting a tattoo or dying your hair or buying a convertable, it puts things in perspective.

in california and even a few years in michigan i was called phoenix by my close friends. then i got christina for a girlfriend and met her through work so of course she knew me as christopher and refused to call me what my friends all did. a bunch of times my friends got in arguments with her and i would break it up and say, look, it doenst fucking matter. a name is a label for convienance and this is not convienant so fuck the label.

adams dad gave him all kinds of shit last weekend. we went and got the drums and all but i still wnated to knock the guy out, but eh. nonviolence bring peace even with assholes. aggression is not protection and who am i even trying to convince?

so ive wanted to change my first name for a long time now. i was doing a lot of research last night on the name Sirak (Sirach) for obvious reasons, ha. i have been thinking about it all day, even though it would cause all kinds of screwy shit all throughout my life. i like the sound of it, the refferences, and the joke. Eh.

it was bad enough trying to explain to my family why i changed my last name. you cant just say, because you were an aweful family and i am trying to forget the degrading and cruel things you did to me and the helpful loving things you didnt provide. still, it was akward to explain and not hurt their feelers. think i did an ok job though, even mentioned the need for a writer to have a pen-name. like shaekspeare, ha.

a rose with any other name...

jason vorhees vs super mario

2005-05-13T19:06:00.000-05:00

friday the 13th. today i went to the psych ward at UofM hospital to have someone commited for being a danger to themselves or others. its called 'petitioning' and i did it. now i cant look myself in the mirror without being a fucking hypocrite.

we are not all free because some of us impose power and control over others of us, and some of those who are maelable, do not have the mental abilities to understand that.

i really like the gnostic teachings, not the aeon archon bullshit, though it is VERY interesting, but the stuff about the three types of people. 1) those with esoteric knowledge, who are saved, 2)those searching for it, who could be saved, and 3) those without it who cannot be saved. its deeper and more complex but thats a quick summery.

i think i work with some people who are trapped in their own paradigms. doctors call it mental illness, or a specific disorder, i call it a localized sphere of influance and perception. like 127.0.0.1 and shit. the brain is running in circles. perfect circles.

remember that old metaphorical story of the guy pushing the bolder uphill just to chase it back down? what if the landscape he was stading on was the inside perimiter of an empty globe, floating in outer space. and the hill had gravity from centrifigul force and the reason he has to keep pushing it is because hes looking for the end of all the hills. but theres only one hill.

like when you walk off the screen in mario and appear on the other side.

my adopted dad loved mario 1. actually, so did i. too bad he would never let me play with him, we could have been friends. now mario 6000 is out and his new younger sons play it with each other because he left them too. they probably secretly despise him i hope not, that shit, spite, itll kill you.

so here let me get mine out for the day. today is my law dads birthday. so happy birthday fake dad. fuck you. glad you are alive, enjoy your life. prick.

pegged again

2005-05-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

my boss at the shelter told me that i have to take my vacation days or lose them, before july. where can someone whos entire life revolves around work and friends go on a vacation? without a car, or money, or even shoes that are not falling apart?

remind me to tell you about my shoes sometime.

then it hit me.... ROAD TRIP! so adam and i we were talking about driving to new york to spange on the streets and get told how stupid and inadaquite and not cool we are. its like one of those roasts on comedy central, were just gonna hop into downtown new york and see what happens. its about a 8 hour drive i think from detroit. if that doesnt happen, well try toronto, in canada. need a birth certificate to get there though.

perishables such as fruits in the car officer? yea, adam is sitting right fuckin there and im wearing crotchless womens panties.

at the worst, we now have something to do. i hear in new york i can try pegging. :P

eat my blahs

2005-05-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

confuscious says:
man who sell fake LSD is
woman who wipe back to front

had practice today, man i dont want to write about this, fuck.

voltaires girlfriend

2005-05-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

i hope to find some place on the net where the host the writings of Émilie du Châtelet, (pronounced Emily doo shaterlay) who was best know for being Voltaire's girlfriend. she was one of the most amazing women to ever live, even discovered things that other (male) scientists didnt discover for decades after her death. of course they didnt know that because since she was a woman, (and therefore inferior in their eyes) no one examined her collection of writings in detail after she died.

the sick thing about Émilie is that she knew she would die in childbirth and wrote about it. in her day women usually died in childbirth if were over 30. so Émilie knew she was going to die simply because she was trapped in a world that scoffed at science and had yet to develope true medical science and research.

Voltaire was one of the great writer/revolutionaries of his time. Émilie gets shadowed by his historical acomplishments but the phrase Voltaires girlfriend is a dark joke, that because she was a woman she was remembered for that instead of as a brilliant human being who helped further science and started the first oh nevermind you can read about her on your own.

Voltaire was known for his great intellect and writing abilities, and though Émilie was known for only taking the most amazing men as her lovers, Voltaire was known for falling in love with only Émilie and turing quite morbid and angry after her death. Not as much as John Keats, but still enough to mention.

Tao-te Ching

2005-05-08T15:52:00.000-05:00

the site that hosts my favorite book, the Mediatations by Marcus Aurelius, also hosts a book i have been reading lately, its quite famouse and such. The Tao-te Ching by Lao -tzu.

This site, The Internet Classics Archive, is somewhat under-maitnanced but still a great source of information. if you click the link that says Select from a list of 441 works of classical literature and scroll to the bottom of the list there are 6 famous works written from 600Bc to ~1000CE by great authors.

i printed out a copy of the Meditations and stapled and folded them into a makeshift book. i carry it around and read it most every day. strange it took me this long to find something that made this much sense to me, and it was written almost 2000 years ago in the time of jesus christ.

the Tao-te Ching is a strange read, but i think it is millenium spanning and definately has its own shinning moments. peace

bloggers

2005-05-07T04:37:00.000-05:00

recent bloggers ive been lookin at. yup, they are all females. coincidance.

ivEE
Laurel
k.
The Mistress

against me lyrics

2005-05-05T19:15:00.000-05:00

Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious...
by AGAINST ME!

We're all presidents,
We're all congressmen,
We're all cops
In waiting.
We're the workers of the world.
There is the elite and the dispossessed
And it's only about survival,
Who has skill to play the game
For all it's worth,
Reaching out for a scary kind of perfection.
Let's try to keep
As much emotion out of this
As possible.
Let's try not to remember any names.
We'll do it for our country,
For our people,
For a moral vision.
United, we'll make them remember
Our history,
Or how we like to be told...
How we like to be told,
And we rock,
Because it's us against them.
We found our own reasons to sing,
And it's so much less confusing
When lines are drawn like that,
When people are either consumers or revolutionaries,
Enemies or friends hanging on the fringes
Of the cogs in the system.
It's just about knowing where everyone stands.
All of a sudden,
People start talking about guns,
Talking like they're going to war
'Cause they found something to die for.
Start taking back what they stole;
Sure beats every other option,
But does it make a difference how we get it?
Well, do you really fucking get it?

in retrospect...

2005-05-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

so my earlier post was a bit negative. it is hard to embrace this lifestyle of pseudo-neutrality/balance. stoic they call it. being satisfied with yourself and your place in this world. but that DOESNT mean caving in or giving up or selling out or buying in. it doesnt mean not achieving and not changing.

if the place you are content with in life is a position of change and growth, i think there can be balance in that.

so en-lieu of my soldier post i would like to admit that i do understand why people join the military and why they are willing to die and /or kill for what they believe in. there are 3 types who join the military i think.

1) those who love what they have, freedom and friends and family, who have been taught that in order to save and respect the things they love they must join up and be the 'good guys' who serve and protect this land from the 'bad guys'.

2) those who have no other good options available, who are coming out of high-school in poe-duck poor factory towns and lower class suburban areas and think that the military is a type of student loan opportunity that will give them a better life and an education and maybe even a chance to travel and experience things they would not have seen otherwise.

and 3) those who are agro fucking wack jobs who want to shoot guns at people and will use the above two reasons to justify doing so. they crave authority because on their own they are worthless and weak and through abuse, murder, military lifestyles and training they gain rank, power and control over others. these people are the neanderthals all evolved up and they hurt people.

while i respect 1) and 2), i choose not to be them and 3) is purely obfuscation.

everyone is somebodys son or daughter, no matter what country they are from. i think that 1) there is no good and bad and history is written by the victors and america has been good to me but it is not the end-all be-all of the modern world. 2) if you work your ass off at some crummy job and spend your money on something other than PSPs and CAMERA PHONES and STUPID FUCKING SHINY PLASTIC CARS and NAME BRAND FUCKING CLOTHING and KEEP YOUR DICK TO YOURSELF and NOT MAKE BASTURD CHILDREN, then anyone can put themselves through college and/or start a business or do whatever they want to do in life without using the military to 'jump start' their career.

yes, let us jump start our adult lives by murdering and fucking up other peoples already-hard-fucking-lives. thank you for jump starting my friends death trip.

and 3) i choose to provide safety and respect to the people in my life and to only hurt others as a last resort at disarming or neutralizing an aggressor. i choose this way because i am free to do so, because this is the man i want to be. it is a lifestyle that took a lot, and i do mean a LOT of VIOLENCE and PAIN and ABUSE for me finally commit to, and i am not giving it up because some politician fuck-face says go kill those people for me.

we are all free to do exactly what we want. we are all free to choose. i am free to choose imagination and peace and to say fuck the troops with their rifles all the way up their blind obfuscating assholes.

angry idea

2005-05-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

i have this angry idea. it is an idea that makes me angry. many times now i have tried to express it in a respectful, personal, polite and non-confrontational way, knowing that it is a controversial subject and knowing that especially in america it would be ill-received, if received at all. no one ever agrees with me and it makes me fucking angry.

most of those times i tried to share my idea i was shit on, screamed at, insulted, demeaned and just plain fuct with. so here is something i have wanted to scream into peoples hypocritical blowholes for quite some time but shut up and festered instead.

fuck our troops. fuck every person who picks up a gun and says 'i will kill for you'. fuck our guns. fuck everyone who blindly follows orders and fuck every man and woman who thinks they 'serve and protect our country' by abusing others. fuck them all until they are dead.

the next time someone tells me i am ungrateful because i refuse to kill for 'our freedom' and george bushes oil, they are getting a first class k-mart box cutter lodged in their oversized american mouth.

i am grateful i live in a place where i am free to do and say what i think and feel. if you think 'the people who died for that' and me 'being ungrateful to them' have anything to do with the current economic state of the free world and that somehow this makes me wrong and sick murderous war right, well then you are a moron and fuck you too.

guns and blood did not build this country, free-thinking hard-working immigrants did. my grandparents came here from poland and sweat for this country so that their sons and their grandchildren would not have to live in fear and live in war and live a place where other people tell them that if you dont believe in fear and war then you are a 'terrorist' or that you dont deserve to be here.

if you think foreigners are 'taking our jobs' then fuck you and if i meet you in an alley ill fuck you twice. im tired of hearing people say spic and nigger and wetback and gook and i fucking live in ann fucking arbor and still hear the shit. the christians are the worse because jesus would FUCKING VOMIT if he saw the sick things they do and justify. stop killing you retarded jackasses!

i am so tired of white bread country bumpkin arian assholes giving every caucasian a racist reputation and a murder-culture face. we are not americans you fucking idiots we all came here from somewhere else, except the native indians.

guns are for murderers and i dont care what you think of me for saying it. if you pick up a gun and point it in another persons face you have forfeited your right to be free forever. there are people and there are killers. no one is both.

i cant take this military shit! i was born 200 years too soon! take me to a place without so many fucking psychopaths and jarheads! thats why the revolution wont happen, because they are out breeding us and teaching their kids the same close-minded religious money hungry beliefs based on hatred and fear. this is the time of great armies not the time of enlightenment and peace. fuck america. and fuck the american dream! i dont want kids if they will have to live on a planet at war.

if every kid stood up and said i will not kill for you! the whole system would collapse. except, its not my peers anymore, im not 18 and being recruited every fucking day. its the youth, its my brothers and my sons and granddaughters. its everyone young and strong and foolish that they can take advantage of and recreate into murderers. so the revolution wont happen. they love command and conquer generals and kill the foreigner video games. they blame world war II on hitler and say that we dropped nuclear bombs on japan to win the war and that the civil war was over slavery and not tobacco tax and states rights and now they are going to attack iran and then we are all fuct. and they use terrorism to justify killing the taliban soldiers we trained. didnt anyone else watch rambo 3? fuck osama and fuck this sick war-crazy caucasian psychopathic DNA. i want to live in a better place with people who work for social change and civil rights and equality and peace and not fucking kill brown people to make oil money for rich white jesusland basteds.

LIES LIES LIES.

what do you do when everyone disagrees with you? i dont know what to do. i am completely alone and alienated in this god-damned (and it is) universe. even einstein said DISARM DISARM DISARM! peace cannot be achieved through force only through understanding... but thats why we dont and wont have peace, because these reject monkey fucking soldiers dont understand a thing unless it involves an order or a brown person to kill.

seeing red fucking seas

2005-05-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

fuck the troops. i think we should put all their troops and all our troops into a big fucking hole and feed them ammo until they are all fucking blobs of guts. then there will be one soldier left standing in the middle and we can crown him 'best soldier ever' ad 'messiah' and he can shoot himself in the fucking nose. and we will call it the red fucking sea.

fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops
fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops
fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops
fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops
fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops fuck the troops

fuck all the vile leaders and all their vile weapons and most of all

fuck all the troops in all the fucking world.

listening to: ofays

2005-05-03T02:35:00.000-05:00

OFAYS
keep the change

Keep the Change

2000

Laid back, acoustic driven, retro, prophesy folk rock that will send you back to the days of the Beatles.

The Ofays are the kind of band you go to see at your local dive bar. The twangy, dreary music they make would be perfect for the place. The lyrics evoke just the right mix of alcohol, loneliness and violence that just seems right. The playing is simple and spectacular. The country vocal harmonies seem ready to fall apart at any time, but I think that’s kind of the point. The fragility gives ‘em feeling, like they know their subject matter first-hand. It’s sloppy, but it works. They wear their world-weariness on their sleeves and it comes out in their songs. Screw the genres and labels, this band is the real deal. Crack open a beer, go sit on the porch and put on this record. You’ll see what I mean.
(cdbaby.com)

Tracks:

1. That Box
2. This Pile
3. So Formal
4. Pine Box
5. 10 Directions
6. Meaner
7. Strong Song
8. Jail
9. Mom's Dying Words
10. The Panic
11. Pistol
12. The Assholes
13. On the Things
14. 45sec
15. Dub Pistol

Meaner:
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples
this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

this is where ill put lyric samples

These guys are a local band in NY, NY. I spent some time in LA with the lead guitarist Derek and our friend Joe. His guitar playing puts anyone elses ive ever met to shame. This is one of those albums that 'grows' on you. By the third time through it, youre in love. Ive seen them live and the show is huge, loud, emotional and fun. Wholly mind bending and undescribable. See Them

an observation

2005-05-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

there are few things in life more lovely than a walk along a rivers bank with a trusted friend in the moonlight.

talk about a change of topic, but seriously, a night light tonight almost makes me forget that i work at a homeless shelter and make friends with 'clients' that are just like me and that the rest of the elitist jerks in this cunt of a city spit on.

it almost makes me forget i live in a place perverted by media and commercials and guns and lies. and or a moment my friend and i find peace in the simple act of knowing that we will not shoot each other for 20 bucks, a crack rock, a rich white mans oil, or a dick with a shiney badge and phalic pistols order.

a night like tonight gives me hope in DIY culture, in punks and people everywhere. and a hope that our lives are not lived in vain and we will not be overshadowed by the capitalist dogs our grandfathers created.

we will do it for our people, for our country, for our moral visions, and united we will make them remember our history. - AGAINST ME!

mayday!

2005-05-01T00:46:00.000-05:00

my friend knute and i once wanted to destroy a 'slant-drilling' project in our homw town, on lake michigan. we scoped it out and even wore black maskes. somehow they were allowed to do it even though our township banned the oil drilling underneath our lake. it was a beautiful place but they ge tto do what they want for oil.

ill tell you what happened sometime, im all tired today. peace.

a story

2005-04-30T16:51:00.000-05:00

i wrote this story and wanted to type it here but i cannot find it right now. :P

blah

2005-04-28T23:28:00.000-05:00

adam and i went on a walk and checked out the practice space and talked by the river. i miss going for walks. before i worked at the shelter full time i would go for walks each day, to different places, new parts of town. it was a way to make the place i live feel strange while also making me feel closer to it. i miss that.

i am so proud of adam, he went out there and found what we needed. he realy came through. if i wasnt such a tight wad i would buy him a gift. or dinner. wait, i could let him buy me dinner. like a glove.

more disturbing dreams. relentless fantasys and hopes. one may as well dream of god. i got into a long conversation with the clients on the 3rd floor last night about religion and ancient texts. and i ran into and ex-employee, we will call her F. well F. looked like hell and got fired for stealing money or something. laundry they call it. :P laundering. but F. needed to do her laundry too because she looked dirty. i think she was about to ask me for money but instead asked if i was going to work. i said yes and she said, 'watch out!', as if our employer was out to get us. weird, she was acting like a client. plus she 'borrowed' 5 bucks and never gave it back to me, its her m.o. they tell me, so i kept on walking.

mike gave me some expensive cookies and 2 slices of expensive pizza. it tasted good. then on the news i heard about this guy who was cremated by mistake... ? hey buddy, try being born by mistake. thats what knute used to say. or something. said he was supposed to be aborted and thats why he had no soul. like that movie, the butterfly effect. only, damn could the kid play guitar. i think its ok not to have a soul if you play guitar like that. fuck, he was the only one i have ever met who had a soul. grease.

fuck that

2005-04-28T11:57:00.000-05:00

nothing to say today, imagine that. ok so lots to say, i just dont feel like it.

lately it seems i have been bitching a lot. fuck that.

lionheart

2005-04-27T02:19:00.000-05:00

i had some dreams this evening, some you would not believe. spring fever or something akin. not to mention all three went lucid halfway through and the fourth one went hyper-waking-lucid.

am i dreaming? no, this is real. wait, why am i doubting my ruling faculty, why question if i am dreaming or not? i do not usually think that way. must be tired or something, this is weird. wait a minute... [look down]: im levitating. [the lights flip on]: shit! i am dreaming! hell yea, watch this!

the sheet on my bed is shredded at the end, i clawed it apart with my feet. i cannot remember if it was a swimming, climbing, falling, or fucking dream. ok, so i do remember and it was the later. latest. lattice.

it was exquisite and boiling and when i woke i cried. we all die alone and i have accepted it, but to die lonely is another issue. a travesty. yes, i should enjoy a dream like that, except, it is as though my sleeping mind is rubbing all my doubts, fears, inefficiencies, character flaws and loneliness in my face and i wake to just a lion hair pillow. why must dreams torment me so? why is it so hard to make a connection in this fine life?

this grand life of studying truth and searching meaning and opening to splendor, it has born many comforts onto my child-molested soul. overcoming codependence and replacing my core beliefs about violence with integrity has opened amazing paths. music and friends and the idea that no life is worthless just because all life is worthless have driven and empowered me to create and to love and to give back to the world and to the people around me.

yet still i yearn for someone to connect with beyond the skin, a family to share more than money and dinner with. ah, the emaciated life of a staving artist, the sick downer death trip of beatniks and philosophers. my peers would say our types find solace in meaningless sex, mind altering drugs, and creative outlets. in coffee and esoteric knowledge and cigarettes. fools, the lot of em. we are all related, all connected, we isolate only because we choose not to be part of the whole. richard bach would say i want to be sad. so i would stomp on his foot. because i am free to.

where are hugging hippies when you need them? when you need them sober? i need a hug and i cannot talk to you anymore, it would take a terabyte or five. connect or die. peaces.

freshmen

2005-04-26T22:34:00.000-05:00

finch has not come to get his van. i havent seen him in like a week, i think he is pissed off at me or something. mike is going to have it towed, i dont know what to do. like what? i should feel bad for not picking up the van and carrying it to where finch is getting high and/or drunk tonight? crunk, i call to say whats about to happen, tell him whats wrong with it, offer to buy him a new one and to fix it, and i dont even get a hi, whats up chris. he just avoids me and leaves the van here and now i gotta listen to mike bitch about it. what the fuck did i do to finch except welcome him into my circle?

i think you know you are too old if you catch yourself thinking things like, "kids these days, whats their problem?". im not saying i thought that, im just saying, you know? :P

adam and i helped ellys boyfriend hippie-travis move out of his dorm room tonight. (*cough hack moocher! cough hack*) he is moving back to ohio to his parents, or something. again i say, lazy moocher. he waited until the last minute possible to move out, and then asked two people he doesnt even know to help him. he was so fuckin high he didnt know what he was doing so we had to direct him in order to get anything moved out.

off subject: there was a pair of cletes in a cupboard with dog shit on them. hippie-travis said he had never seen them before. no soap, dirty socks everywhere, skateboards mini fridges empty beer cans a black light poster or two, a computer a radio and hidden cletes with dog shit on them. fucking freshmen, i swear to christ.

duh

2005-04-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

mike told ellys moved-in-ass boyfriend to get lost and told elly to find somewhere else to live.

spunks

2005-04-25T22:41:00.000-05:00

my day off was today. i drank coffee with adam and we talked about a possbile practice space for the band. something tasty is in the air...

i had dinner with rose and we went to her friend jodys place. jody is a very interesting woman who has a 13y/o son in california. she is a deadhead who used to tour/travel with the graeful dead and her boyfriend is a jewish buisnessman, sort of, who lives with college guys. she lives in an exotic evil doll house temple on top of another regular house across the alley behind my house.

when rose and i were walking up to the house there was a skunk parked at the bottom of the stairway. it was the first time i ever came face to face with the ass end of a pole-cat. i ran.

rose and i watched SLC punk and it reminded me that yes, everyone truly is a poser. but at least we are not all sellouts. i hate watching it, but i feel better after. like taking medicine.

heather from the shelter came over to talk with mike. she acts way different outside the shelter than there. it sort of freaks me out because she is like two seperate people that way. im kind of like that too though, so maybe it is common. it makes me wonder what all the other people i work with are like 'at home'.

i think heather is a good social worker and i would like to earn the kind of respect she has at the shelter. but i would not want to be like her when she is not at work, even though i dont dislike her. but then i would also not like to be like barry or andy when they are at work, they are *word*. but when they are nt at work they are both people i look up to and respect. life is so weird.

i hope one day i can be like the person chuck norris is when he is at his mothers house.

more mythology drivel

2005-04-24T21:56:00.000-05:00

some contemporaries of paris. Philoctetes, who killed him, who was once a suitor of helen sworn to protect her. he is know in historical documents to have founded cities in his old age.

Deiphobus is interesting too, he was a 'prince of troy' (like a brother to paris) who married helen after paris died, but was killed by menelaus later.

one fact i always forgot in the story of the tatoo is that the god and goddess whos wedding was the 'original snub' that paris was present at, later gave birth to archiles, whom paris would have to fight. yet paris and archiles are supposed to be of the same age... damn world script writers.

--

Santorini is an interesting island volcano chain/place also known at one time as Kallisti. wild.

some links for myself

2005-04-24T20:34:00.000-05:00

some links for my own research, ill move them later, too l a z y.

mythology - links for the mythological referance epitaph words basileus and basilis, both of which have figured into my decision about my new tatoo.

lately people have been 1)complimenting me on my jacket and sweater more often than usual, what prompts this? and 2) asking about my tatoo. the story is such a pain for me to tell quickly and in passing, it is a fundamental aspect of who and what i am.
people expect me to just blurt out, oh it means blah bla bla. instead they get a mouthful of mythology and logic. most people stop listening halfway through, or bob their heads and ask me again each 6 months. so now i just say, its a secret. saves everyone so much time, and those actually interested, well you can tell when a person is, so those ones i tell.

anyways, one part i get caught up on in 'the story' is always the history between helen and troy. during some reading online i found this amazig picture of the judgement of paris.
- here is another link to the judgement of paris, with a little different info on it.
- and Ovid wrote of a seductive letter from paris to helen - but i cannot seem to find the letter, the links all over the net are dead.
- this is a good bulk info site with info on Helen - Imagining Helen in Greek Antiquity

elly

2005-04-24T11:04:00.000-05:00

elly and her boyfriend have been hanging on the couch for a few days and mike didnt say anything. elly said she 'talked to him about it'. i am getting a weird vibe. been at work so i have not heard what mike thinks yet, this doesnt look good for our hero (zero) who wants to live in a house where people do their own fair share and get along peacefully.

i liked elly for a long time, but it seems like ever since she made friends with homeless kids that she wants to act like they do. normally not an issue, only,

you are not homeless! you dont know a god damn thing about what it is like to be poor! your yuppie ass parents send you more than enough money to eat, sleep, pay rent, pay your phone bill, pay for cable and internet and to buy shitloads of cheesy goth cloths and video games and lame drugs and tastless booze every month! you dont know what its like to go hungry and you certainly do not know what it is like to steal to get by! you dont know shit and your friends do. they are being overly kind to you and still you act all snobby and fucking stuck up. fuck you. fuck you you trust fund slob.

wow. i didnt know i felt that way untill i typed it. so much for providing respect to everyone in my life. maybe elly has not earned respect. maybe she had it and lost it. or maybe she just should not be a person who is in my life.

guess that means im looking for a new place to live. oy! oy!

this is a rant.

2005-04-23T17:30:00.000-05:00

this whole weekend i paid the 'kids', namely cami and finch, to clean the house. yes, i paid homeless people to clean the house. i cannot keep up with ellys disgusting messiness. there was food and garbage everywhere and it continued to pile up. the mice came back (see sep-dec 2004 posts) and finch even found roaches. the first roaches in the house that they did not smoke. it was a dump, and though i hate to blame, this time i do. elly is fucking lazy.

a little background. in the time i haved lived at mikes house i think i have been quite accountable. helping out, buying things for the house, feeding people who couldnt afford to eat. simple little things within my ability and so i shared. no big deal, life was good. i told mike there were problems, but i left too much out for ellys sake. i didnt tell mike that mice overran every room. i didnt mention that elly left food and drinks and paper and shit on the floors and in the couches and under the tables. i thought she would change, i thought she would get real and get it. she did not, and enough is enough.

there were times, months ago, when i clung to the thought that the other housemates would liven up to the idea, they would fucking grow up and pitch in and live as a family/community. so many times i said ill try this or ill try that and then they will want to get involved. every time i invited them to help with cleaning and organizing and lots of stuff. usually they blew me off, sometimes they just nodded and said yea sure, lets do that, and i would do it alone.

so many times i cleaned their rotting food and mold covered dirty dishes and spoiled milk and slime covered bullshit and centimeter thick mildew shower curtains and trash littered lawn. like god damn college kids.

i killed mouses! i cannot beleive i fucking killed for this house. i bought the traps and i cleaned up their dead bodies! i scrubbed their shit from the counters and cupboards. i put the food in plastic tubs and i got rid of ellys chip bags and food plates and trash. and still; the housemates did nothing to help clean their own fucking stank ass college spoiled brat messes. i even put up with elly bitching that there were dead mice i should get rid of.

after a while i gave up, i stopped cleaning. the sink filled and filled with grossness. the house became a festering pile of bovine fecal matter and food mold and dead rats and no one who knew me would even come inside the front door. strange people started crashing in the living room and didnt clean up thier meals. it got worse and worse and i was a week from moving out and a day from going nuts and bald.
my newest plan was to put all her trash and dishes in a box and leave it outside her bedroom door each day with a bow.

so instead i paid my friends to clean my house from call-a-molly-maid-elly, and they did it. for the second time in 2 weeks. only this time elly couldnt fuck it up again (sparklin clean to maggot trashed in 5.2) because our landlord mike came back last night. id like to see her try it now.

i can breath in my home again. end rant.

response

2005-04-23T01:02:00.000-05:00

to my scardy cat friend

i was told today by a close friend that there are many things on this site that could get me in trouble with a lot of people i know. that is a good thing too i told her. i am not ashamed of my own thoughts. once 'they' (meaning the silly people of the medical community who would have us all be just like they are through labotomys, electroshock and brain numbing medications) convince us that our thoughts are wrong, then we are fuct.

true you can change your thoughts to change your behaviors. you can become educated and experianced. you can see your own error, this is the gift (cough hack bullshit! cough hack) of self awareness. these are natural changes that happen with time and life, not forced opinions of one elitist groups perceptions of right, wrong, and 'unhealthy'. we are all free to do exactly what we want, always.

so back to the point i am skating around: yes many of my personal thoughts and feelings could get me into trouble. i think i have been as ethical as i can be this year. every one of those 'trouble' things have weighed on my concience and regardless of what others think i should do, i have made my choices with honesty and complete personal accountability, providing safty and repect to everyone in my life. :)

im saying that if i was to get in trouble for anything i say, do or type, it is something i have thought about and chosen to do. some things have challenged my mind this year and i changed to accomadate what i was shown as a better way. some thing, i chose to keep to myself because i can, i want to, and i beleive that if anyone held my choices against me they would stick and make nice little gold stars for integrity and nonviolence.

if you think what i have to share about my life in my online journal is too honest and incrimidating, well you are fucking brilliant. i didnt notice that my personal emotions and past mistakes needed filtered. you can hide, i wont. peace.

smothered with pillows

2005-04-22T11:10:00.000-05:00

i wanna riot but i dont wanna war

did my taxes today. it cost a lot of money$ i didnt realy have. the woman was old and shaking the whole time. i think i could do her job pretty well. i am glad she does it though, because i dont think i would want to work at h+r block all day. plus, she helped me and was nice to me. old people tend to be dicks in this town, it was nice to meet a elderly person with some respect. maybe cause i was payin her to be there, i dunno. what i do know? money is what is wrong, period.

and as long as i have mentioned electro shock, did you all know they are still using electro shock to cure people of compulsions and obsessive thoughts? and i do not mean for little things and i do not mean little shocks. huge shocks. so huge they affect the neuro-chemical transmitters in the spinal cord.

this u of m student who is sumthin-or-other somewhere-i-wont-say is all about it, talked for 30 minutes last week about how great and revolutionary it had become. how they almost had it back in the day but now its all figured out. like the 'rebirthing' shit where the little girl got smothered to death by pillows so some jackass adoption parent could have a kid who behaves and a sell-out phychyatrist could make a million bucks off of sucker parents.

when will they stop hurting people to help them?

andy told me about this new technique, the adopted kids dont get along with new parents, so they doctors help, quote, break them down physically and emotionally, so the new parents can be there to comfort them and build trust.

so exercise hurts, but its good for you andy says. i say yea, exercise hurts because most of us are realy fucking lazy. just like those parents. andy says, coaches break players down like that to teach them better. andy say, the millitary does it, they break em down to rebuild them into what the military wants and they are happy afterwards. they want to be strong and mindless like ants. they want to kill because an old white guy with a lot of $$$ say go do that boy!

of all the things i want to scream, i know they are just opinions, and that screaming is not only unnessasary, but it will not change a damn thing. the option, the alternative? the thoguht that there is a differance between grown adult humans and orphaned children who get 'rebuilt' in someone else image of them, for the best.

the adults can choose otherwise. chew on that.

demolished

2005-04-21T22:33:00.000-05:00

remember when i said that i was in love, way back in march? now let me be specific.

my entire chest cavity implodes and my face turns turgid purple when she is near me. we laugh and talk, then i run away valiantly; this has become too much. i get sick in the bowels of my hypothalamus even thinking of her. in the past i have had crushes, ultra-crushes, this is far worse. it is more like a demolish. yes, i am Kei and Yuri style demolishing on this magnanimous woman.

typically i would decide to hang out with someone who i felt so fuckin weird around, to get more comfortable and get to know them better, thereby a)removing the crush or b)beginning a relationship of some sort. it does work, almost every person i have ever crushed on eventually became a friend or a lover. once a crush turned into a 3 year relationship and a proposal. sure a few were flukes, but more were LTRs.

this time though, i think i will stay away from her. maybe i think i know better now. maybe i am afraid. either way, now is a time to cook, not a time to feast.

damn, its like my brain is underwater and all my skin is being tickled with porcupines, but in a good way. in the ocean, salt sanitizes everything. i could talk about her, about how brilliant and caring and unique she is. about how foreign and alluring and exciting she is. about how fundamental she has become to all i believe womankind could achieve in modern society, about how sea-weed twisted and european emotional i become in her glow. about how convoluted my thoughts and wonton desires have become, about how wanted and respected and beautiful she lets me feel.

all day and most the night i could tell you about these things. but then you would demolish on her too, and surely her blue and gold leviathan heart would succumb to such pressure, so i will shut up now and you will have to wonder what could have been.

quickie

2005-04-20T23:49:00.000-05:00

happy birthday hitler!
this is a link to information about adolph hitler as a man versus adolph hitler as an archetype/image, found on the k2 site at right. the author argues that americans view him as this ‘greatest of all evil people ever’ and use that stereotype to uphold their belief in a dualistic bad-guys against good-guys world view, when in reality hitler was backed up by hundreds of thousands of german soldiers who were willing to fight and to die and to murder, just like our soldiers have always done.

so basically americans lie to themselves so they can sleep at night.

Adolf Hitler
Date of Birth: 20 April 1889
Adolph Hitler is the face of evil for most Americans, so much so that what we think of when we say "Hitler" is a caricature of the real man. The real man was just a man. Hitler did not invent anti-Semitism in Germany. Hitler did not invent militarism in Germany. Hitler did not invent concentration camps. Hitler did not invent pre-emptive war. He was just a man, a small and insecure man who gave voice to what his fellow Germans and Austrians would have said if they had dared voice their opinions but did not dare say because it was not politically correct.

more at the link from up top.

stupid robotic me ... must refuel

2005-04-20T03:03:00.000-05:00

i forget a lot of shit. i forgot how nice it was to use this journal. its not about being online, its about doing something worth while when you are at a blank souless monitor on a desk. not the lizard. this was my first post back in september of 2004, i read it again and was glad that this journal was around somewhere.

fuck 'updates', people should write what they feel. this silly electronic thing has been more helpfull to me than any video game or word processor or closeminded stupid website like savetoby.com, no matter how hilarious those things may be.

and i know i need to update the main website, especially the listening too and reading sections, man, those never happened. a lot i attempt doesnt pan out, too many cookie pots and not enough fingers. ill do it tonight, tommorow, sometime.... peace be with you.

our new band

2005-04-20T02:41:00.000-05:00

4/20/05

this page, yup, just like the roads in detroit. always under costruction.

our new band: maggpies?

adam - drums, hand-drums, harmonica, vocals
julie - violin (fiddle), vocals
finch - guitars, vocals
christopher - guitars, vocals

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

bios
adam: 28y/o from: venice beach, ca
julie: 28y/o from: ann arbor, mi
finch: 21y/o from: new jersey
christopher: 25y/o from: north michigan

not ery good bios. i guess i should write stuff down, yikes. out, peace.

blacktooth

[insert witty title here]

holy diver

haiku for mu

July Update - someone shoot me

crystal meth and me

YPSIROCKS!

"Even though the half of you won't even smileThe next time we pass on the street!"

a thousand words.

pictures - my father

pictures - utah

pictures - patrick

like rotten grains of sand

sanitize this.

i want to ride my bicycle! bicycle!

the debt of the dead

June, part 2

June Cleaver

May!

April Showers? where?

its everywhere!

a short list of bands i fucking love

first post - about me me me

same shit different day

band update

train under water

listening to: against me!

42

turn that frown...

listening to: wintersleep

listening to:

machine dreams

supreme court jesters

purple power

sweet home escanaba

aye matey! land ho!

family guy

jedi gray concrete

the world is not my home

lazy days in michigan summer

flesh ram

Ester, like in the bible

nocturnal emmisions

hippies strike back

listening to: a perfect circle

listening to:

sucker fish

miss my guitar, teeth

nothing

listening to: floater

listening to:

used to be women

el raton moche meal!

listening to: sponge

listening to:

vacation!

i dunno

by candle light

si, la verdad

guidelines

CMT part 1 - Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease letter to a doctor

CMT part 2 - Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease info

on anger

rock and roll!

with brandon

such a damn exhibitionist

big fish

chamelion turds?

get a haircut...

i am the ass of the cat

sisters

godshoes

uck the system!

birdswater

long tongue

nom de plumes

jason vorhees vs super mario

pegged again

eat my blahs

voltaires girlfriend

"Even though the half of you won't even smile
The next time we pass on the street!"